[Swordlady]

Okay, I do write poetry... Most of this stuff was just written when I felt like it, so some of it is going to be very strange. So here are my poems. (And I have no illusions that they are good.)
This one was written, as the title suggests, on a night that we were traveling.
Night on the Road
Drops spattered on the windshield,
Streetlights smeared through the glass.
Glaring tail lights pierce the darkness,
Red as an eclipsed moon's pass.

The streets gleam black and wet,
Clouds blanket the sky.
The windows run with rain,
It is a melancholy time.

This is a slightly creepy poem that I wrote about a favorite character of mine. However, the title is a work in progress.
The Mastery
Bone white hunter,
Ancient beyond measure,
His name the sound of gnashing teeth.
The Pale Slayer, Lord of those who have no master.

Blood in the water,
Deadliest hunger,
Ivory fangs, bared in bloodlust,
A frenzy, sane no longer.

I wish I had more, but it got deleted.

This post has been edited by Swordlady: 30 November 2009 - 11:54 AM

[witch168]

Drops spattered on the windshield,
Streetlights smeared through the glass.
Glaring tail lights pierce the darkness,
Red as an eclipsed moon's pass.

I like the first one a lot, especially the second line. I found that extremely original. You have a lot of creativity, so don't force yourself to make them rhyme. I personally advocate free-verse, but you seem to have done a pretty good job rhyming. The last line seemed out of place, so I'd suggest something like 'blinking sleepily as they pass' or 'casting shadows as they pass'. No need to bring the moon's eclipse into this.

And you're right. The second one is creepy, but hey, poets are creepy people. Ever heard of Edgar Allan Poe?

[Swordlady]

Sure, I've heard of him. I love his poetry. And yeah, that last line has been bugging me for a while. Of course, I was half asleep when I wrote it. And some of my poems actually combine a little free verse with rhyming. I like free verse, but the rhyming has a way to really get the idea across. So I do both. And I wanted to get in the red color. I'll do some brain storming for a different line.

In the meantime, here's a new poem. It's still a work in progress, but I like it. I'm not sure about the title, either.
Mercenary
This is my pain,
This is my price,
This is the burden I bear,
This is the toss of the dice.

This is my price,
To be captian before anything else.
To send friends to die,
For another's cause.

This is my burden,
To sacrifice some,
for the good of the rest,
To watch them go to die.

This is my pain,
To comfort the dying,
To send out the young,
And hold the survivors, crying.

This is my life,
To do this each day,
To bleed on the inside,
And smile, showing the way.

This is my pain,
This is my burden,
This is my life,
This is the price of command.

Hmm, it definitely needs some work. I'm thinking about adding a verse or two, or even writing a companion poem to it.

This post has been edited by Swordlady: 05 December 2009 - 10:19 PM

[witch168]

Actually, instead of adding verses, I think you should cut some lines. I like the sadness that i can feel in the words, but I think it went on too long.

This is my pain,
This is my burden,
This is my life,
This is the price of command.

Perhaps you should cut the third line? That way, it won't be the 'life' that's the price of command. It could be the sadness in the life, but not the life itself. i got confused on that.
Other than that, I can't think of anything else. Good job! (Did you come up with the poem on the spot or did you have it in reserve for a while? Because that came out really fast!)

[Swordlady]

It's been sitting for a few days. I was waiting to see if anyone would respond. However, that's all I have for now. The third line in the last verse is supposed to imply that this is the character's entire life, that there is nothing else for her. And the price of command is refering to the entire poem. It's supposed to sum the whole thing up. And if this is too long, you should have seen the first version! I'm thinking of cutting out the line "this is the toss of the dice", but I'm not sure. It's supposed to imlpy that her whole life is a gamble. I'm also going to switch the first two lines. I think that I could probably cut this poem down, but I'm not sure what I want to get rid of. Also, I think that the second verse is off balance, somehow. Maybe I started the whole thing about "price" to soon. After all, it is the whole point of the poem. So, either cut that line out completely, or change it into something about gambling? Not like a casino, but betting your life on something. And I'm not happy with the fourth verse, either. Maybe cut that one out, or change it.

[Swordlady]

Ok, new poem. This one was intended to be a companion to Mercenary, but it might turn out differently.
Alone
I walk this path without another,
I always fight alone,
When I mourn, it is in silence.

When I have no one to turn to,
I know I had no choice,
That was a choice at all.

I had to choose,
Between duty and love,
A passion that could only bring pain.

I know I had to go,
But all I have now is duty,
It is no comfort to a dead heart
Well, I like the stanza pattern, but I'm not sure that I got the idea across correctly.

This post has been edited by Swordlady: 08 December 2009 - 04:04 PM

[witch168]

That's called a metaphorical poem. I think. Well done!
I always liked the three line poem that's not a haiku, but kind of something else. I still think Mercenary is better than this one.

Good luck and keep writing! Sooner or later people will definitely come and comment on your posts as well. One thing you can try is going to other's homepages and commenting or giving them a link. That usually gets more people to comment.
-The Witch.

[Swordlady]

Thanks. I prefer Mercenary to all of my other poems, and Alone definitely needs work. I've been writing a lot of poems, but I didn't want to post another until the last one had been commented on. I tried to write this one with a four verse pattern, but it just didn't work. It was very awkward. Like I said, this one was supposed to be a companion to Mercenary, since it's through the eyes of the same character. Well, this next poem isn't too bad, but it needs work.
Shadowland
A silent figure in the glass,
Cloaked and hooded, his face a mystery,
garbed in deepest black,
He haunts the world tonight.

A second figure shifts into view,
Cloaked as the one before,
Death stalks the land tonight,
His Shadow at his side.
I'm not sure about this one. It's got a good idea, but it needs tweaking. Thanks for the tips, I should probably post more in the Poetry Cafe.

This post has been edited by Swordlady: 30 December 2009 - 11:40 PM

[potter573]

I think the last poem is too short, you should probably add a few verses here. I personally find it very hard to write a three-verse poem but you are doing a good job with the pattern (not talking about the last one).

In "Mercenary" you have a very good poem but it needs a bit of tweaking. I would suggest being more creative with words and go for a more metaphorical tone in this poem. The idea shouldn't be austere but neither should it be too vague to comprehend. You start with a nice rhythm but it gets lost somewhere in the middle.

Hoping to see more from you.

[witch168]

Shadowland
A silent figure in the glass,
Cloaked and hooded, his face a mystery,
garbed in deepest black,
He haunts the world tonight.

A second figure shifts into view,
Cloaked as the one before,
Death stalks the land tonight,
His Shadow at his side.
I'm not sure about this one. It's got a good idea, but it needs tweaking. Thanks for the tips, I should probably post more in the Poetry Cafe.

Yeah, this needs a bit of tweaking. I like the idea of the glass, though. The mirror gives the entire poem a very dreamy feel. Elaborate on that; mention the mirror and the glass several more times, and that'll make it longer.

[Artrain]

Hmm. If it is comments you want, you shall have them. I begin.

Night On The Road: Short but definitely effective. Nothing creepy about it.

The Mastery: You started off well but it kind of ended abruptly. Could you try and complete the part that got deleted?

Mercenary: In the final stanza,

This is my pain,
This is my burden,
This is my life,
This is the price of command.

I think this would sound better:
This is my pain,
This is my burden,
This is my life,
And the price of my command.
But these are just my thoughts. Apart from that though, I think it is you best composition, and I liked it.

Alone: Was very well written. The feeling was appropriate.

Shadowland: I will repeat what I said for The Mastery. It seemed to end abruptly.

Well, from reading your work, I have no doubt in my mind that you know what poetry is about, and you are an accomplished poet, but I also get the feeling that you are holding back for some reason. Maybe you're afraid if you released yourself more, you'd sound a bit.....harsh. I don't know. I'll only encourage you to do your best and continue writing brilliant compositions...

[Swordlady]

Umm, as far as The Mastery goes, that's all there is. I never wrote anything more with it. I had moved onto other stuff, and I'd kinda forgotten about it. Wow, Mercenary seems to be a real favorite. Alone, The Mastery, and Shadowland are currently my "problem" poems. Right now, I'm working on a poem titled Guardian but I'm starting to wonder if I should just trash it. Hmm, this poem was inspired by a book, actually.
Sun Descending
The sun sets on another day,
Full of grief, the aftermath,
Of war, pyres leap high,
Charnel stink pervades the air.

The sun vanishes, a flare of crimson,
Black mourning surrounds them,
Making a night that can't be dispelled,
The sun rises, a new day begins.

Even the sun seems to sorrow,
As they trudge through the day,
Until sunset comes again,
The symbol of all they have lost.
I'm not sure about this one, either. Thanks for commenting!

[Artrain]

I'm not sure about this one, either.

I also wasn't at first. Had to read it carefully. Very good content. The final line sums it up. Overall, I think, it was quite nicely written.

Thanks for commenting!

You're welcome. Hope your progress never stops…

[Blazing Elf]

That was good. I liked it. Just like Artrain said it was very well written.

[Swordlady]

Thanks for commenting, but can you be more specific, please? Why did you like it, besides it being well written?

This post has been edited by Swordlady: 14 January 2010 - 05:21 PM