[warlordpaddy]

Here is my version of book 4, some parts may be a bit cliche but that happens. The story starts 2
days after the seige of Feinster.

Chapter 1 - Aftermath

“I can’t believe that they are gone Saphira”

“Eragon, I still can’t believe it as well but remember what he said to Glaedr, not to mourn for him and we need to be there for Glaedr.”

“I know Saphira but it’s hard to believe what happened, it’s like something bad happens to everyone we know like Roran, Garrow, Brom, Murtagh...”

Saphira snapped at Eragon who quickly ducked under the jaws but wasn’t fast enough to evade the paw that followed.

“ENOUGH ERAGON! Don’t let some hopeless thought bring you down; you still have me, Arya, Orik and others so don’t even think about what bad happens just because of those who you seen and been injured or killed due to that mad man in Uru’baen.”

“I can’t help it Saphira, this war has taken its toll on me and I don’t won’t to lose anyone else especially you, you see how Gleadr is with the loss of Oromis and his physical body and can you get your paw of me as I am slowly getting sore here due to your weight pressure on my body?”

“No Eragon, I’m not going to take my paw of you yet for you are a mess, do your meditation and regain your thoughts so that they are not jumbled together and confused. Once you are done with that then I will let you go for you will need your rest for you have a meeting at noon with Nasuada and the other members of the Varden for they may want to see how their great rider is feeling.”
“You want me to mediate on this hard ground while pinned under you?”

“Yes Eragon otherwise it is you sleeping under my paw for the night.” Saphira hissed.

With that Eragon started his mediation and thinking of all the happy times he had after he had left Carvahall . When Eragon finished with his mediation, it was 3 hours after sunset and a crisp was starting to be felt in the air. He felt better and his mind wasn’t as confused as before though he felt that he was still under Saphira’s paw.

“Thank you for that Saphira and can you let me up now for my body is really starting to ache here.”

“Yes little one I will let you up now but you got to go to sleep for you have that meeting tomorrow.”

“Ok partner-of-my-heart.”

“And little one”

“Yes?”

“Next time you start to mourn for them, I will lick you from head to toe to make you think about other things.”

Eragon shivered at the thought of that as Saphira’s tongue could wipe the hide of a deer.

“I try not to.”

Eragon entered his tent which the Varden had only erected yesterday, when he entered he saw his armour in the corner which he placed, he made himself a mental to repair to get the armour fully repaired and rid of the blood. He then saw his mirror use he used for scrying but he couldn’t be bothered doing any scrying, he then saw his cot and went straight for when he heard Saphira rustle down to sleep herself for she, herself was tired. When he got to the cot, he took his top and boots of, unbuckle the Belt of Beloth the wise with Brisingr belted to it and layed it over the corner post in his reach for any emergency that may occur over the night. When he was lying on his cot, Eragon reached out with his mind to Saphira.

“Goodnight partner-of-my-heart”

“Goodnight little one.” Saphira replied very tiredly.

And with that Eragon drifted off into his waking dreams.


I will need comments on how that went, and do I need to put a C rating on this?
I will ask for help during my story like little plot help but I do have a rough line of what will happen in the story and fighting sence help. Give as harsh critism as you want for that is one way to get better as some people say. The second chapter is done but I want to see comments to see if I need to improve otherwise if no comments are up by 7pm for me I will put the next chapter up.

WaP

This post has been edited by warlordpaddy: 08 November 2009 - 12:35 AM

[DaveO9]

Very short. Write longer chapters.

Your first chapter is generically the same as almost every other fanfic here. I find them hard to read after having read the first chapter being almost the same in another 50 other fics...

You don't need c-levels any more.

Put some other chapters up before you expect real criticism.

It has been kind of slow around here for the last month, I expect it is due to the time of the year and people are busy, so don't expect much from that point either...

Try not to be too cliche. I advise you stay close to the original plot and CP's characters, so that you remain consistent and have to write less for the same point.

Try not to be redundant.

Remember most of us have read the books and now them quite well... Some have read them several times and know them almost by heart, so I suggest you go right into your story, the last chapter is entirely filler and if it was for a real book it would have been the first thing to cut out.

The length of the paragraphs is fine, except for the last one, the long one. I suggest you break it down into to, or preferably three smaller paragraphs...

Also remember that when talking with the mind it must be in italics but without ''quotation marks'', when characters are using their voice, however, it must not be in italics but it must have''quotation marks''.

I don't see how the poll is relevant up to this point in the story seeing as you have only posted one chapter, and about mostly nothing...

Personally I don't want to see Tenga, and I would advice you stick with main characters most of the time, introducing other characters at this point in the story, and by that I mean after 3 books, is kind of hard. Ideas may seem good in your head but when you put them on paper it gets really hard to carry them on.

Keep things simple...

That was lengthy advice. I hope it helped.

Dave

[warlordpaddy]

Thanks for that dave. This is my first fanfic and hopefully it will get better as it goes on the "" marks are also speech marks so for some it's easier to know they are talking, not thinking all the time and some long blocks can't be helped but I will try to make them into shorter blocks.

Here is the 2nd chapter and the action parts will soon come in but I got to get these boring starts out of the way.

Chapter 2 – Meeting

“Wake up Eragon.”

“Go away Saphira, I need to sleep”

“Wake up now for you have a meeting today stonehead!” Saphira roared with her mind and out loud which made most of the Varden near jump and look at her with scared expressions on their faces then when they nothing was wrong, they went back to what they were doing.
Eragon jumped out of his cot looking dazed and confused.

“I’m up and what time is it now?”

“Just about Noon, I have been trying to wake you up for the last hour so you can get ready for the meeting and not go hungry.”

“That time already, Barzul, I’m going to be late.”

“Then get moving or you will be late for I’m going hunting as I’m hungry and need to eat.”

“You’re not going to be at the meeting?”

“I won’t for I wasn’t invited and for I’m hungry so have fun at the meeting.”

“Fine I will” Eragon replied with sarcasm while quickly putting his top and boots on.

“Be a good rider and don’t be rude in the meeting and cruse everyone during it as well for I don’t won’t to come back to find out that you started a little scuffle with those silly boys.” Saphira said smirkly and with some mother tone as well.

“I won’t.” Eragon innocently replied, while he put the belt of Beloth the wise on he heard Saphira take off to go hunting. Once he belted Beloth the wise on, he quick grabbed a apple from his bag and quickly went out of the tent and told Blodhgarm.

“I’m going to the meeting at Nasuada’s tent now but I will be running quick for I don’t want to be late for it, you and the others can come with me while I’m running or you can walk over in your time.”

“We will run with you Shadeslayer.” Blodhgarm replied

“Let’s move out then shall we?”

“We shall.” Blodhgarm said to Eragon then he turned around and told the other elves that they will be running with Eragon to Nasuada’s tent. Eragon started of jogging then slowly sped up with the elves doing the same until they were to a human eye, they could only make out who ran past them. Eragon and the elves ran down the main lanes for if they went down the side lanes between were hard for them to get to the tent going at the speed they were running at.

While running Eragon took in all the sights that he could from the richly dressed nobles in their long gowns with light coloured hems and lots of jewellery to the common foot soldier who had on their armour which held some of the glint from the sun who were getting ready to go on missions for the Varden. Seeing this made Eragon wonder if Roran was going on a mission any day soon for it might be the last time they see each other.

Eragon and the Elves arrived at Nasuada’s red and gold tinged command tent which had 6 of the Nighthawks at the door way. When Eragon arrived at the tent, one of the human Nighthawks went in and said.

“Lord Shadeslayer here for the meeting, Ma’am.”

“He may enter.” Nasuada said loud enough for Eragon to hear.

As soon as Eragon heard this, he walk through the entrance and when he walked through, he felt the flap touch his hand and to him, it felt like handling sheep wool. Inside of the tent was a large wooden table with Nasuada at one end and a few nobles that Eragon didn’t recognise at first but then made them out to be Generals, and some Lords and Nobles from Surda. He also saw Nar Garzhvog and King Orrin. At the other end he saw Arya, as soon as he saw Arya, as soon he saw Arya, Eragon made his way to the seat right next to her.

“Shadeslayer.” Arya mumbled as soon Eragon got to the seat.

“Shadeslayer.” Eragon mumbled back.

It was a couple of minutes until what seem to Eragon that everyone of importance was here, Nasuada stood up and welcomed everyone to the meeting.

“Everyone, I called this meeting for a couple of reasons but mainly for one reason that will concern us soon and that is Belatona. From the last that I have heard from the force that I have sent to capture Aroughs, was that they lost near half of the 6000 men I sent and that has Aroughs fallen.”

When everyone heard this there was a sigh of relief for most as there didn’t have to be a boring march south for nothing.

“But the governor was killed when the keep was surrounded but that is important for the governor was a cruel one and we have gain new recruits from the townspeople. Now onto what is important, Belatona, I propose that we rest here for the rest of today and the whole of tomorrow then we begin our march. We need to send out groups to harass enemy convoys as they did on the way to Feinster. I have our spies in Belatona giving us information about the military movement, numbers, type of troops and the buildings especially the gates and walls.”

“We know that Galbatorix has sent troops to reinforce Belatona when we were marching to Feinster so it won’t be just city defenders but there will be some battle experience troops we will be facing when we set siege. Our forces from Aroughs will capture Melian before rejoining with us at Belatona. The Dwarfs lead by King Orik will try to meet up with us before Belatona or during the siege but if they aren’t there by the time we capture Belatona, they will meet up with us on the way to Dras-Leona...”

“What about the Elves?” One of the fat Nobles (who was covered in heaps of jewellery that even competed against Orik) near Eragon cried out.

“I was just getting to that point if you have let me continue, the Elves have captured Gil’ead but with the cost of an important person who I don’t know much of but Eragon knows well, they are going to be at Gil’ead for a couple of days before marching again to have Bullridge, Teirm and Narda out of the way before joining with us at Dras-Leona.”

“What about Kuasta?” asked Orrin who had a confused look on.

“I have planned to send a small force there when Belatona has been captured, is that enough for you.” Nasuada replied very calmly.

“It is.” Orrin went quite right after and look like a royal dummy.

“Any other questions you would bring forward with the plan?”

Everyone just sat there in silence, waiting for someone else to put a question forward but when none came through.

“That will be then, you are dismissed.” Nasuada said when she stood up and gesture to the tent entrance and with that everyone stood up.

When Eragon and Arya just stood up when they heard Nasuada say.

“Eragon, Arya could you stay for a little while, I have something to tell you.”

That is chapter 2, may look like a filler but I got to work to something eh? I'm working on chapter 3 and trying to make sure it is a good to long length. It will looked cliche for a couple of more chapters before I will be able to break away from the starters that most people have done on fanfic.

This post has been edited by warlordpaddy: 08 November 2009 - 01:24 AM

[Lamar]

Overall good chapter, I suggest you make your chapters a little longer as Dave09 said.
-Lamar

[DaveO9]

The chapter length was better but it can still improve, make chapters longer.

You have problems with punctuation, somewhere in there I read a three-and-a-half-lines-long sentence, you should at the very least add comas, and the best would be to cut it to at least two sentences.

You also have problems with the present and past tense. I suggest you write everything in the past tense, in this case it does for a better reading.

You should also separate yourself more from the story as the writer, in some occasions you said ''here'' instead you should have said ''there'', and you should change the sentence accordingly.

Sometimes you are redundant and the conversations are awkward, also I found a place where you duplicated part of a sentence... To solve this I suggest you read the chapter again after you have finished, and carefully correct the mistakes.

It is still somewhat early to really criticize, so I suggest you post the next chapter soon, which sounds interesting. By the way, by the looks of it you are going for ExA, which is great for me, but I suggest you take it slowly, which is one of the biggest problems of writers around here.

Most people just have a little scene and suddenly they are all over each other, try not to do this, because although probably most of us like ExA, we like a good, romantic/epic love story... If you get what I mean.

I hope my advice has helped you, keep on writing, and if you have any questions just ask me.

Dave

[warlordpaddy]

Thanks Dave for that, I plan to have a long sence parts, not a little sence and get together for the ExA and I'm trying to extend the chapters longer for I gave myself a certain length to write at least and aim to write more than that. The chapter length will get longer and the style will get better as I get going but I got to get myself going and get better in the little time I have to write in with school, sport and study for exams where I am. Thanks for the little advice and I will hopefully try to follow it.

WaP