Chapter two:
Eragon heard foot steps across from his tent; Roran’s pungent smell wafted over Eragon in waves. It made his eyes water. Roran’s consciousness was still weak and Eragon was planning to start tutoring him about how to properly guard his mind [You say he was going to start the tutor, but Eragon already taught Roran how to do so before their raid on the Ra'zac. If anything, they're just continuing the lesson]. This was going to be a hard day.
Roran swept the tent flap open and strode inside. Eragon gestured towards the stool that he had made earlier and Roran sat down across from him.
Roran has a stubborn mind, Eragon thought, this will be hard.
Patience, little one, Saphira said. She sent waves of calmness through their connection. I know you can do it.
Thank you, Saphira, Eragon replied, gratefulness flowing through their bond, surging like a wave against Saphira’s calm intellect. With that she withdrew from his mind, a deer bringing her attention into scope.
Eragon looked at Roran, who returned the stare. An awkward silence pervaded the tent; it seemed to Eragon that it lasted forever.
‘Today, we will start again at sensing someone else’s mind, and block that mind eventually. I am going to enter your mind. Try hard to block me, Roran. I know you know how to do it.’
Eragon sent a tendril of thought to Roran. He encountered a solid wall, this time it was based on Roran’s unborn child. Eragon tried his best to break the barriers that circled his cousin’s mind, and he tried squirming underneath, to no avail. This was a new league to Eragon. Not higher than him but nearly, with more training, better.
Roran’s concentration wavered when Eragon circled his consciousness. Eragon fit his mind into the crack and tore at Roran’s barriers like a feral dog. When Eragon opened his eyes, Roran was sweating from the concentration he used.
Eragon tutored him for hours, teaching him how to “think without thinking” as Oromis had put it. He even taught Roran a poem that was easy to concentrate on. Roran did not ask questions like Eragon had. He listened, learned, and then used that knowledge to the best of his abilities. Pride filled Eragon’s mind at this, just knowing he could teach gave him some hope that he would one day be worthy to fill his master’s place. Remembering his master gave Eragon strength, but when it was not strength, it was more the shadow of loneliness that seeped through his thoughts [This is a weirdly worded sentence].
Leave those thoughts be, Eragon! They only make us weaker! Remember the good things we had with him. The bad are only rare, Saphira said gently at the end.
Eragon sighed. He could feel Saphira thinking he was being despondent these last few days, but he ignored her.
‘Good job, Roran,’ Eragon congratulated his cousin. They had gotten much further than he had thought. ‘Go, say hello to Katrina for me.’
Roran’s chest puffed like a rooster. When he strode out Eragon saw that darkness had reached Feinster. He shrugged and then laid on his cot and drifted into his waking dreams. His mind became one with Saphira’s as her instincts were tempered with his.
You need to space out your paragraphs. Don't have huge clumps of texts like that. It makes reading a pain. When a new person is speaking, use a new paragraph.
Some of your sentences were run-ons. You need to know when to end it; don't drag it out longer than necessary.
Use italics when they are thinking or speaking with their minds. That way, it'd be easier to tell when they do so.
Also, personally, I think you overuse people's names. In the beginning of the chapter, you were constantly saying Roran and Eragon. Use other words like 'he', 'they', 'his cousin', and so forth.
Conscience is the ability to know right from wrong. The presence of the mind, so to speak, is conscious or consciousness. You're getting the two mixed up.
There was kind of a weird jump between chapters one and two. The way chapter one ended, it seemed like Eragon would return to his tent to tend to Arya. But the way chapter two began just doesn't fit with the ending of the previous chapter, in my opinion.
As for the story itself, I'm really not sure what to make of it. It's nice that you started it off differently than most fanfics, but it's kind of a boring start. There's nothing that really draws in my attention. In fact, the first two chapters seemed to be fillers, which, in my opinion, isn't a good way to start a book off.
This post has been edited by bPhoenix: 11 November 2009 - 08:45 AM
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this is only half of chapter one. thanks for the compliments 
