[Jakob fredericks]

Chapter 1

Eragon was sitting on his cot deep in thought about the events of the last week.
first he created a new sword with rhunon then he flew to feinster and participated in the siege of Feinster and helped Arya slay a shade. Nasuada approaches announced one of his elven guards. Let her in was Eragon's reply. The tent flap moved to the side to show the figure of Nasuada standing were the flap was. What business brings you to my tent said Eragon. We have decided on our next movements into the Empire. Well were do we move next. The elves have requested that you appear at your masters funeral. As for the varden we will be moving on to belatona and then to Dras-leona were we shall meet you and the elves. And from there we shall move onto uru'baen as one full army.

Eragon then went to saphira and readied her saddlebags. He heard arya's voice from behind him say shall i be riding up front this time? Ok if you want was Eragon's reply. They hopped onto saphira with Arya at the front and took off into the direction of the varden.

I have been thinking said Arya.
About what?
How will you beat Galbatorix?
That is before me
Ok




so it wasn't a long chapter i have to go to bed next update tomorrow

[Pixel]

I think that you should put the dialogue into quote marks so we can be sure it really is dialogue. You should also add on "Eragon said" at the end of some of them so we know who is talking.

Also, when you post, please use correct grammar and punctuation, as it is part of the rules.

[Savasung88]

Chapter 1

Eragon was sitting on his cot, deep in thought about the events of the last week.
First he had created a new sword, Brisingr, with Rhunon. He then flew to Feinster and participated in the siege of the city where many lives were lost. Last of all he had helped Arya to slay the shade Varaug.

"Nasuada approaches." announced one of his elven guards.

"Let her in." Eragon said in reply, his voice full of grief for his masters.

The tent flap moved to the side with a slight swishing sound to show the figure of Nasuada standing were the flap was.

'What business brings you to my tent?" said Eragon, surprised that the leader of the Varden had taken time out of her busy schedule to see him.

"We have decided on our next movements into the Empire." Nasuada said abrubtly, shocking Eragon that she hadn't consulted him in the matter.

"Well were do we move next?" Came the questioning tone of Eragon, slightly hurt.

"The Elves have requested that you appear at your masters funeral. As for the Varden we will be moving on to Belatona and then to Dras-leona were we shall meet you and the Elves. And from there we shall move onto Uru'baen as one full army." Said Nasuada.

Eragon accepted his fate with resignation, he did not like being ordered about like a pawn on a chess board but that was a mistake that he made when he was much less mature.

Nasuada turned out around and left the tent, with a look that shocked Eragon. He had never expected Nasuada to be power hungry but now it was seeming that way.

Eragon then went to Saphira and readied her saddlebags. He heard arya's voice from behind him, "Shall I be riding up front this time?"

"Ok if you want." Was Eragon's reply. He then hopped onto Saphira with Arya at the front and took off into the direction of the Elves.

"I have been thinking." said Arya, turning around to look at Eragon.

"About what?"

"How will you beat Galbatorix?"

"That," Eragon said with his bowed. "Is beyond me."

"Ok" Said Arya, turning around to face the away from Eragon.

Eragon stared into the sunset wondering to himself how he would topple the dark king.

_______________________________________________________________________________

This is how I would have worded it. It may sound harsh but you need to add description, emotions and you definitely need to slow it down a lot.

You can make it better, just take your time.

Savvy

[HBomb]

Chapter 1

Eragon was sitting on his cot, deep in thought about the events of the last week.
First he had created a new sword, Brisingr, with Rhunon. He then flew to Feinster and participated in the siege of the city where many lives were lost. Last of all he had helped Arya to slay the shade Varaug.

"Nasuada approaches." announced one of his elven guards.

"Let her in." Eragon said in reply, his voice full of grief for his masters.

The tent flap moved to the side with a slight swishing sound to show the figure of Nasuada standing were the flap was.

'What business brings you to my tent?" said Eragon, surprised that the leader of the Varden had taken time out of her busy schedule to see him.

"We have decided on our next movements into the Empire." Nasuada said abrubtly, shocking Eragon that she hadn't consulted him in the matter.

"Well were do we move next?" Came the questioning tone of Eragon, slightly hurt.

"The Elves have requested that you appear at your masters funeral. As for the Varden we will be moving on to Belatona and then to Dras-leona were we shall meet you and the Elves. And from there we shall move onto Uru'baen as one full army." Said Nasuada.

Eragon accepted his fate with resignation, he did not like being ordered about like a pawn on a chess board but that was a mistake that he made when he was much less mature.

Nasuada turned out around and left the tent, with a look that shocked Eragon. He had never expected Nasuada to be power hungry but now it was seeming that way.

Eragon then went to Saphira and readied her saddlebags. He heard arya's voice from behind him, "Shall I be riding up front this time?"

"Ok if you want." Was Eragon's reply. He then hopped onto Saphira with Arya at the front and took off into the direction of the Elves.

"I have been thinking." said Arya, turning around to look at Eragon.

"About what?"

"How will you beat Galbatorix?"

"That," Eragon said with his bowed. "Is beyond me."

"Ok" Said Arya, turning around to face the away from Eragon.

Eragon stared into the sunset wondering to himself how he would topple the dark king.

_______________________________________________________________________________

This is how I would have worded it. It may sound harsh but you need to add description, emotions and you definitely need to slow it down a lot.

You can make it better, just take your time.

Savvy

Not perfect, but definitely better than the original post he made My advice to the OP would be to lengthen your chapters, and to use proper formatting techniques such as quotations and punctuation. Also you should think a little bit more about they way your characters speak, perhaps try to relate them closer to the way CP portrays them in his book and as the story goes on you could gradually change them into your own creation. That way people are able to understand why, for instance, Eragon acts differently in your story than he does in Eragon/Eldest/Brisingr (I can't say that he actually does based on 1 chapter, but I'm just tossing ideas out there for you)

-HBomb

Quick edit: Don't be discouraged by the 1-star rating someone gave you. Perhaps it fits the first chapter of your story, most people on this site start out at a below average level. The thing is they grow and they start writing better as time goes on. If the people here are tough on you or they are making corrections, it's because they are trying to help you As for ratings, I'll save mine until you write a few more chapters, good luck.

This post has been edited by HBomb: 08 November 2009 - 11:43 PM

[Jakob fredericks]

chapter 2
hope this one is better
______________________________________________________________________________

Knock knock knock"come in" the king wants to see you said Dane, Galbotorix's favorite servant. "Ok" said Murtagh greiviously.

"Murtagh" said Galbotorix, with a bile tone of anger in his voice. What punishment will i put you through this time. "NONE" yelled murtagh as he drew zar'roc and jump at Galbotorix. "Thyrsta" said Galbotorix and Murtagh was thrown across the room through a wall. Murtagh jumped to his feet and sprinted away sheathing zar'roc at the same time. He got to the chambers where Galbotorix kept his eldunari. He grabbed a large sack and ran around stealing as many eldunari as he could. Murtagh came face to face with an emerald green egg. He grabbed it and thrust it into the sack. Thorn came sprinting into the chambers "we have to leave" he said.

Murtagh jumped onto thorn as he took off into the cold night air. Murtagh turned around and saw an enormous black dragon flying for them. "Use you speed" Murtagh said to thorn, so thorn spead up. I will give you energy from some of the eldunari i got from galbotorix's chamber's. "No i don't need it yet" said thorn. "You know this means our true names have changed don't you" thought thorn. "yes i figured that when i stole the egg. "Galbotorix has stopped pursuing us" announced thorn. "Yes because he knows that we are headed to the elves, the location of Eragon" said Murtagh.

"Shall we make camp for the night or continue on" said murtagh. "We will continue" said thorn.

"We are finally free, i am a free rider
and you are a free dragon"
____________________________________________________________________________

The grey fabric of Eragon's tent flap moved to show the figure of Arya. "i have some bad news and some good news" said Arya. "Tell me the bad news" said Eragon. Murtagh Approaches from the south. Eragon leapt to his feet immediately at attention. The good news is he has contacted us and said he has Become a free rider. Eragon eased slightly from the tense position that he was in. "But he did not tell us this in the ancient language".

Eragon put on his armor and Brisingr then saddled saphira. He got in the saddle. "I shall rip them to pieces if their here to fight" said Saphira. "I don't think their here to fight"said Eragon. "Well we will soon find out" said Saphira as she jumped into the air in the direction of thorn.

Eragon heard murtagh magically projected voice say"relax a little, we changed our true names and have the last egg with us. Eragon and Saphira arrived at the location of Thorn and Murtagh. Shall we land and have a nice brother to brother chat. Ok but you slide your sword and armor to me when we land "I will not attack you vel einradhin iet ai shur'tugal upon my word as rider.

When Eragon and murtagh landed they talked about everything and nothing until the sun was ready to set. As they walked back to the camp Eragon said "How did you do it" " do what" replied Murtagh "change your true name"
"i do not know myself, When i swore oaths to galbotorix i swore that i would not defy him but i tried every time he tortured me and yesterday it worked". "I have already cast spells so that if he finds my true name he will forget it straight away" said murtagh. Good because we can't have you turning on us now can we" replied Eragon.
"no we can't" said murtagh

"The elven camp is behind them trees" announced Eragon. "You know their going to think that you killed Oromis and Gleadr"

"Yes i have thought of a speech that will let them know that it was not me it was galbotorix, the speech is in the ancient language". "have you already said it to yourself"? asked Eragon "yes" Murtagh replied.


____________________________________________________________________________


hope you liked it
i think it was better than the first chapter

This post has been edited by Jakob fredericks: 09 November 2009 - 05:58 PM

[HBomb]

chapter 2
hope this one is better
______________________________________________________________________________

Knock knock knock"come in" the king wants to see you said Dane, Galbotorix's favorite servant. "Ok" said Murtagh greiviously.

"Murtagh" said Galbotorix, with a bile tone of anger in his voice. What punishment will i put you through this time. "NONE" yelled murtagh as he drew zar'roc and jump at Galbotorix. "Thyrsta" said Galbotorix and Murtagh was thrown across the room through a wall. Murtagh jumped to his feet and sprinted away sheathing zar'roc at the same time. He got to the chambers where Galbotorix kept his eldunari. He grabbed a large sack and ran around stealing as many eldunari as he could. Murtagh came face to face with an emerald green egg. He grabbed it and thrust it into the sack. Thorn came sprinting into the chambers "we have to leave" he said.

Murtagh jumped onto thorn as he took off into the cold night air. Murtagh turned around and saw an enormous black dragon flying for them. "Use you speed" Murtagh said to thorn, so thorn spead up. I will give you energy from some of the eldunari i got from galbotorix's chamber's. "No i don't need it yet" said thorn. "You know this means our true names have changed don't you" thought thorn. "yes i figured that when i stole the egg. "Galbotorix has stopped pursuing us" announced thorn. "Yes because he knows that we are headed to the elves, the location of Eragon" said Murtagh.

"Shall we make camp for the night or continue on" said murtagh. "We will continue" said thorn.

"We are finally free, i am a free rider
and you are a free dragon"
____________________________________________________________________________

The grey fabric of Eragon's tent flap moved to show the figure of Arya. "i have some bad news and some good news" said Arya. "Tell me the bad news" said Eragon. Murtagh Approaches from the south. Eragon leapt to his feet immediately at attention. The good news is he has contacted us and said he has Become a free rider. Eragon eased slightly from the tense position that he was in. "But he did not tell us this in the ancient language".

Eragon put on his armor and Brisingr then saddled saphira. He got in the saddle. "I shall rip them to pieces if their here to fight" said Saphira. "I don't think their here to fight"said Eragon. "Well we will soon find out" said Saphira as she jumped into the air in the direction of thorn.

Eragon heard murtagh magically projected voice say"relax a little, we changed our true names and have the last egg with us. Eragon and Saphira arrived at the location of Thorn and Murtagh. Shall we land and have a nice brother to brother chat. Ok but you slide your sword and armor to me when we land "I will not attack you vel einradhin iet ai shur'tugal upon my word as rider.

When Eragon and murtagh landed they talked about everything and nothing until the sun was ready to set. As they walked back to the camp Eragon said "How did you do it" " do what" replied Murtagh "change your true name"
"i do not know myself, When i swore oaths to galbotorix i swore that i would not defy him but i tried every time he tortured me and yesterday it worked". "I have already cast spells so that if he finds my true name he will forget it straight away" said murtagh. Good because we can't have you turning on us now can we" replied Eragon.
"no we can't" said murtagh

"The elven camp is behind them trees" announced Eragon. "You know their going to think that you killed Oromis and Gleadr"

"Yes i have thought of a speech that will let them know that it was not me it was galbotorix, the speech is in the ancient language". "have you already said it to yourself"? asked Eragon "yes" Murtagh replied.


____________________________________________________________________________


hope you liked it
i think it was better than the first chapter

Better, yes. In my opinion your story is moving extremely quick, maybe that's your intention. When I first wrote my original fanfic here on IF I did something sort of similar to what you're doing; I rushed it and after I got a little ways into the book I realized that I wasn't happy with how it came out and I realized that I could have done so much better in terms of adding details and elaborating on how and why things happened.

Take a step back and look at your story in the long run, figure out where you intend to go with your plot, and figure out what you have to do to get there. I know it's annoying, but I learned the hard way that it saves you many a heartache. Anyway once you have your basic plot (you might already have it) you should figure out what you'll have to do with each character to get them to be able to do what you want. For instance, say you wanted Eragon to kill Galbatorix. Eragon isn't powerful enough at the start of book 4 to kill someone such as Galbatorix, so you have to think of a way to make him that powerful.

The entire point of the above paragraph was to tell you to slow it down, you might want to add more emotions to each section, and develop the characters at a slower pace. (This is just my preference) In your case I would have explained how Murtagh's name had ended up changing, and what both he and Eragon were feeling during the confrontation. Your chapters have events. One thing happens, another thing, and then another. Even something as simple as, "Eragon felt relieved when he heard that Murtagh was no longer his enemy" would add greatly to your writing.

One final thing because I think I've said enough for one post; When you have a conversation between two characters you generally start a new line every time the conversation switches from one person to another. IE. You had:

The grey fabric of Eragon's tent flap moved to show the figure of Arya. "i have some bad news and some good news" said Arya. "Tell me the bad news" said Eragon. Murtagh Approaches from the south. Eragon leapt to his feet immediately at attention. The good news is he has contacted us and said he has Become a free rider. Eragon eased slightly from the tense position that he was in. "But he did not tell us this in the ancient language".

I would have written the paragraph as:

The grey fabric of Eragon's tent flap was moved aside and in it's place stood Arya. Eragon was a bit surprised to see her because she rarely took the initiative to contact him, it was always the other way around. He halted his thoughts as Arya said, "I have bad news and good news, Eragon."

"Tell me the bad news then," said Eragon.

Arya hesitated but told him, "Murtagh approaches from the south." Eragon leapt to his feet immediately as he heard Arya. Before he could ask any of his own questions Arya added, "And the good news is that he has informed us that he has become a free rider." Eragon felt somewhat relieved at Arya's words, he had no desire to fight his brother again. His elation was short lived as Arya added, "However, he did not tell us this in the ancient language, so he could have been lying."

I almost feel like an ass for pointing out so much in such an early story, but I feel like stating my mind so I will Anyway don't mind what I'm saying, this is your own story to do as you want with so you can write it any way you want. I'm simply here to offer advice.

-HBomb

This post has been edited by HBomb: 09 November 2009 - 07:04 PM

[Jakob fredericks]

thanks for the advice Hbomb, i will try to slow down my story and add more emotion and description.