[alex shadeslayer2896]

This is my version of book 4

Hope you enjoy it

Wyrda abr du Shur’tugals

Chapter 1

Eragon was sitting in his tent, thinking of the events of 2 days ago. That was the day he lost his master and father figure, Oromis and Oromis’ dragon, Glaedr. He couldn’t stop thinking about the last minutes of their life. They had died fighting, Murtagh, Eragons half brother and his dragon. Just then his partner of his mind and heart returned. He went outside to meet her and was shocked to see Arya on Saphiras’ back. Surprised, he said “Hello Arya, how are you? I haven’t seen you since the battle of Feinster.”
Arya replied “I was in my tent, thinking about……Oromis and Glaedr.” By the end of her sentence Arya was sobbing. Saphira said to Eragon Get her out of the saddle. Take her into your tent and talk to her.
Okay Saphira, I will Eragon replied. He quickly unstrapped Arya’s legs from the saddle and took her into his tent. He murmured to her “It’s okay Arya.” Arya whispered back “I miss them so much.” When she said this, Eragon cautiously moved closer to her. Arya then surprised him by burying her face into his chest. He put his arms around her and held her while she sobbed. They stayed locked like this for a long time. After a few minutes, Arya stepped away while wiping the last of her tears from her face. She whispered “Eka elrun ono, Eragon Shadeslayer.” He was about to reply but a messenger called out “Shadeslayer, Nasuada wishes to have an audience with you. Have you seen the Elven ambassador? Nasuada wishes to see her as well.”
Eragon replied “Thank you Jarsha. Arya and I know the way to Nasuadas’ pavilion.”
To Arya, he said “Come on. We better go and see what Nasuada wants.”
Five minutes later, Eragon, Arya and Saphira had reached Nasuadas’ tent. Eragon said to the Nighthawks “Eragon Shadeslayer and Arya Shadeslayer here for an audience with Lady Nasuada.” One of the Nighthawks announced their arrival and Nasuada called out “Come in.” The pair walked into her tent. All it had in it was her cot, a chest for her clothes and a desk covered with important reports and maps. Nasuada said “Hello Eragon, Arya, its good that you’re here. Queen Islanzadi wants to speak with you.” As she finished her sentence, the Queen of the Elves appeared in the mirror. She greeted Eragon and Arya using the elven greeting and Nasuada with the human greeting. She then said “Eragon, Arya, do you wish to come to the funeral of Oromis and Glaedr?”
They replied “Of course, as long as Nasuada doesn’t object. Nasuada said “I don’t mind. It will be very risky for the Varden, but they meant a lot to you so you may go.” As the pair left the tent Eragon said “I’ll meet you by your tent in an hour.” Arya replied “I shall be ready to leave in an hour”


Eragon walked into his tent and started packing. He packed some food, his best elven tunics, water and his armour. He then put Aren onto his finger and the belt of Beloth the Wise around his waist. He attached Brisingr to his belt and walked out of his tent. Eragon attached his put his things in Saphiras’ saddlebags and modified the saddle to strap in two people. Then he got onto the saddle and looked for Arya with his mind. He found her and said Saphira and I shall be there shortly. Be ready to leave. With that he left her mind.

This post has been edited by alex shadeslayer2896: 10 November 2009 - 03:06 AM

[DaveO9]

My first advice will be that you cut it down into easily readable paragraphs.

Also make longer chapters.

Stop making character introductions like we don't know who the characters are, we all know their names and their relationships, there's no need to say; Murtagh, Eragon's half brother, or Oromis' dragon, Glaedr. We get it who they are, and it gets annoying and repetitive reading it all over again.

By the way, we also now what happened at the end of Brisingr. I advice you read a couple of fanfiction's especially the first chapter in some, so that you realize just how similar your's is to half the fanfics here. Not that that's bad but make your own style.

To make the chapters longer add more description, the story was very dry and you alternated between normal length sentences to very dry, three word sentences from one to the next.

I usually advice to make sentences shorter but in your case it is the opposite. Like I said, use more description, narrate everything happening, however unimportant, of course without making it boring...

Add more detail, describe how Arya was dressed, her reactions, like when she cries.

Another thing, try to take the story slowly, the biggest problem with a lot of new fanfics is that they rush through the story, give us information about what is happening with the Varden, sometimes Roran, or Murtagh and even Saphira or Arya POVs.

I hope my advice helps, its really to early to actually criticize you as a writer, although I have thoroughly criticized what you have written...

Don't be put off and post the next chapter soon...

Dave

This post has been edited by DaveO9: 09 November 2009 - 02:52 PM

[Lord Murphy]

I agree with a lot of what Dave says.

When ever a new character talks make a new paragraph. When a reader see's a ton of writing in a big blob the get a little worried. Also try to make your work more flowing. By adding descritption to it will help a lot. Right now it is like you are just getting ideas and writing them down.

In doing that it make me feel like a I am reading a lot of sentences all on a seperate page of a book. I stop on each one. When you get the work to be more flowing it will seem like someone is reading the story to me and will make it much better.

Something that would help your story out a lot would be to read a couple of the other good Fan Fic's here. They will show you good structure and a good example of the fan fic. Do not copy their ideas!

If you do that you will become hated by many of the writers here and that is not somethign you want to have. Try to make a list of events that you want to happen in your book. This will help when you are writing chapters and stop you from looking at other works that you may accidently take an idea from.

When looking for good fan fics look at the ones that have a lot of views, replys and a five star rating. This should help.

If you have any other questions let me know through here or send me a PM.

Good day!

[Timbowolf]

Yeah, pretty much everything I have to say has been said. Work on your pacing, description, and originality most of all. I was not at all surprised by a single thing in your first chapter, and that's not a good thing. A fanfic that is too predictable is one that will quickly lose viewers. Also, your chapter was very bare-bones in terms of description. This is not a movie; you can add more to it than just what needs to happen. I wrote the way you did in the chapter a lot when I first started (before I came to IF); it was just key facts and dialogue and little else. That don't cut out here, you need to work on giving the story life.

I'm not trying to be the bad guy; I'm just trying to help you improve. And if you need a hand, definetely don't feel afraid to ask for help from me or anyone else, especially other fic writers who are writing the more popular fics out there. We've been where you are right now.

[alex shadeslayer2896]

Thanks for the advice. I didn't know if anyone was going to read this but now I know people are, I'll work harder

The next(better)update should be up soon

[murtagh kicks ass]

im gonna edit this for you, a bit

This is my version of book 4

Hope you enjoy it

Wyrda abr du Shur’tugals

Chapter 1

Eragon was sitting in his tent, thinking of the events of 2 days ago. That was the day he lost his master and father figure, Oromis and Oromis’ dragon, Glaedr. He couldn’t stop thinking about the last minutes of their life. They had died fighting, Murtagh, Eragons half brother and his dragon. Just then his partner of his mind and heart returned. He went outside to meet her and was shocked to see Arya on Saphiras’ back. Surprised, he said “Hello Arya, how are you? I haven’t seen you since the battle of Feinster.”

Arya replied “I was in my tent, thinking about……Oromis and Glaedr.” By the end of her sentence Arya was sobbing. Saphira said to Eragon Get her out of the saddle. Take her into your tent and talk to her.

Okay Saphira, I will Eragon replied. He quickly unstrapped Arya’s legs from the saddle and took her into his tent.

He murmured to her “It’s okay Arya.”
Arya whispered back “I miss them so much.”

When she said this, Eragon cautiously moved closer to her. Arya then surprised him by burying her face into his chest. He put his arms around her and held her while she sobbed. They stayed locked like this for a long time. After a few minutes, Arya stepped away while wiping the last of her tears from her face. She whispered “Eka elrun ono, Eragon Shadeslayer.”

He was about to reply but a messenger called out “Shadeslayer, Nasuada wishes to have an audience with you. Have you seen the Elven ambassador? Nasuada wishes to see her as well.”

Eragon replied “Thank you Jarsha. Arya and I know the way to Nasuadas’ pavilion.”

To Arya, he said “Come on. We better go and see what Nasuada wants.”



Five minutes later, Eragon, Arya and Saphira had reached Nasuadas’ tent. Eragon said to the Nighthawks “Eragon Shadeslayer and Arya Shadeslayer here for an audience with Lady Nasuada.” One of the Nighthawks announced their arrival and Nasuada called out “Come in.”

The pair walked into her tent. All it had in it was her cot, a chest for her clothes and a desk covered with important reports and maps. Nasuada said “Hello Eragon, Arya, its good that you’re here. Queen Islanzadi wants to speak with you.” As she finished her sentence, the Queen of the Elves appeared in the mirror. She greeted Eragon and Arya using the elven greeting and Nasuada with the human greeting. She then said “Eragon, Arya, do you wish to come to the funeral of Oromis and Glaedr?”

They replied “Of course, as long as Nasuada doesn’t object. Nasuada said “I don’t mind. It will be very risky for the Varden, but they meant a lot to you so you may go.” As the pair left the tent Eragon said “I’ll meet you by your tent in an hour.” Arya replied “I shall be ready to leave in an hour”


Eragon walked into his tent and started packing. He packed some food, his best elven tunics, water and his armour. He then put Aren onto his finger and the belt of Beloth the Wise around his waist. He attached Brisingr to his belt and walked out of his tent. Eragon attached his put his things in Saphiras’ saddlebags and modified the saddle to strap in two people. Then he got onto the saddle and looked for Arya with his mind. He found her and said Saphira and I shall be there shortly. Be ready to leave. With that he left her mind.

and i agree completely with most posts that i read on this topic. description is desperately needed.

for instance the section "The pair walked into her tent. All it had in it was her cot, a chest for her clothes and a desk covered with important reports and maps" could be:

The two of them walked through the crimson tent flaps of Nasuada's command Pavilion. The interior was sparcely decorated, the furnishings consisted of a simple cot, a chest high cabinet for her clothes and a desk brimming with maps and important documents telling of the finance levels of the varden, among other thimgs.

What do you think of that?^^^

granted it is probably your firts attempt at something like this, hence the help i am providing.

A very good start. very good.

i want to know where this is going.

Your Reader MKA