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Light A completly new fanfic, Comments welcomed Chapter 3 and 4 Rate Topic: ***-- 4 Votes

#1 User is offline   13Angela13 Icon

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Posted 12 November 2009 - 02:11 PM

Hi! This is my first attempt at a fanfic. This is my first time trying long term writing. A warning to everyone: updates might be infrequent.

Proulge:

Push, m'lady, push!

Since dusk of the previous day, it had been like this, with Kialandi, one of the Forsworn or Thirteen Servants, in labor. As the sun rose, a blaze of green light appeared, and a cry could be heard.

"It is a girl," the trusted midwife said.

The midwife handed the newly born baby to a tall, dark man standing in the shadows, saying,

"Your daughter, Sire."

* * *

Niera was lead to a room unknown to her by a servant, who she knew was deaf and dumb. She had lead a life of secrecy for all of her ten years. She knew from what she was taught why she was hidden from view, but she still wished her life wasn't so seprate from the outside world.

The walls of the room were made of black brick, with no windows. In the center of the room, there was a table with what looked like stones on it, with each of the two stones nestled in velvet. One was ruby red, the other emreaeld green. Niera realized they were dragon eggs.

For the first time upon entering the room, she saw her father, King Galbatorix, was there also. Niera's mind was sharp, and she realized her father wanted her to become a rider, and to use her againist the Varden.

" Well, my daughter, would you like to touch one of the eggs?" Galbaltorix said.

" Yes, Sire," Niera said, reconizing that she had no choice in the matter.

Her hand touched the red egg with nothing happening. She then touched the green egg, and she heard a loud crack. A dragon hatchling had apperared.

" Touch it," Galbatorix commanded.

Niera did so. She felt great pain upon coming in contact with the dragon, and she passed out.
-----------------------
Comments welcome.

Somethings I need to clear up- 1. Niera is half elf. 2. The prolouge is before Eragon. At the moment, he's ten too.

This post has been edited by 13Angela13: 18 November 2009 - 07:17 PM


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#2 User is offline   Timbowolf Icon

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 01:12 PM

That was definetely an interesting and unique beginning. The writing was pretty good, though the description was a little lacking and it was fast-paced. But the idea of Galbatorix having a daughter who becomes the green rider is kinda cool.

Thing is, though, you've got a lot of explaining to do in terms of how Niera is half elf and how she has remained a secret for so long and why she has not been used against the Varden yet. I'm curious to see how you plan it to work.

So not bad, though I can only say so much about a prologue.
My Book 4: Dawn
Also, my ThornxSaphira short story: Happy Thanksgiving Thorn and Saphira
Want to start your own fic? This will help. Writer's Basics and Useful Tips
"I will walk with you in the darkest places no one else will go and be your friend when all others have forsaken you. We can face the evil together, or succumb to it apart." (Thorn to Murtagh, Dawn)

#3 User is offline   13Angela13 Icon

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 02:36 PM

All explaining shall be in Chapter 2! I hope.

Chapter 1, 6 seven years later, after the Varden captured Feinster, and the elves Gil'ead

Niera was standing in the shadows, invisible, with her mind closed to all but Emearlden, her dragon. She was listening to her father's fury against Murtagh and Thorn, waiting for her cue to step out of the shadows.

" That's it, Murtagh! No more chances! It is time for you to meet your replacement, " said Galbatorix.

Now, Niera said to Emearlden.

I'm coming, Emearlden replied.

I wish we did not have to fight for him, Niera said, with a sense of agreement flowing from Emearlden.

Niera lifted the spell making her invisible, and stepped out of the shadows, with her long blond hair waving behind her, and her face and her deep emerald green eyes expressionless. Quietly, she could hear Emearlden landing next to her.

^^^

Galbatorix got another egg to hatch! Murtagh thought, as he glimpsed Niera and Emearlden. And the dragon is bigger than you and Saphira!

I can't believe it, Thorn replied. How did the king get a dragon that big? The only ones bigger than him are Glaedr and Shruikan.

The dragon was indeed bigger than Thorn and Saphira, but not bigger than Shruikan or Glaedr. His scales were very bright and a deep emerald green. His claws were ivory, as were his teeth. Overall, he seemed very majestic.

Galbatorix said on his twisted black throne, " I don't believe you have meet my daughter, Niera, or her dragon, Emearlden, have you? Her presence has been unknown to most for all her life, sixteen years. I think something else you haven't realized yet is that she is the senior Rider to both you and Eragon."

"For how long may I ask, Sire?" asked Murtagh.

"Seven years," answered Galbatorix.

Almost a decade! Thorn said.

I wonder how powerful she is, Murtagh thought as Niera's emerald eyes looked him over, from his dark hair to his black greaves on his shin.

" You can leave now, but do not leave this castle," Galbatorix said, "Or use magic to heal your wounds from Gil'ead, " he added, invoking their true names to make sure they were obeyed.
^^^
After Thorn and Murtagh left, Galbatorix said to Niera, " Well, you know what your orders are. In two days, I shall send you with a battialoin of soldiers for the Varden."

--------
Well, MxT are currently out of action, and Niera is finally going to fight the Varden. My explanations for everything shall be in the next chapter. To anyone who asks, Niera and Emearlden support the Varden.

Again comments and critism are welcome. The reason for everything being fast paced is because I get very impaintent at times, and I will try to slow down, but it might not seem it. Yes I know its very short.

This post has been edited by 13Angela13: 15 November 2009 - 10:25 AM


90% of the worlds teenagers would die if MySpace had a system failure and crashed. If you are part of the 9% that would be laughing copy paste this into your signature.
84% of teens today have a cell phone. If you are in the 16% that can actually live without one, copy and paste this into your signature.
Read my poem,Aldwin

#4 User is offline   kivara Icon

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 03:10 PM

your story is amazing already from what i have read
Please read my book 4 http://www.inheritan...p...t=0&start=0

this is my Saphira help me to get her to grow and i will be able to get her a THorn

#5 User is offline   Timbowolf Icon

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 04:52 PM

Okay, I have a question: WHAT DID THE DRAGON LOOK LIKE? I don't think you could have had less description in that chapter. The green dragon is a character we've been waiting three books to meet, and I don't think he got one line of description. You didn't describe Murtagh and Thorn, Galbatorix, the castle, you've hardly described Niera...dude, this is like a screenplay with no stage directions.

I'm not trying to be a witch about this, but this is a big problem. Your dialogue was pretty good and your plot seems good so far, but it doesn't mean much if you don't describe anything. It would help to make your chapters longer than 10 paragraphs, too. Explian how Niera looked half elf, or her bond with Emearlden, or just anything.

I can understand your impatience about writing things down, and I am certainly not the master of decription, but this is a little too much...or little, as it were. It's hard for a reader to appreciate something when there's nothing that allows them to imagine it. This is your wolrd now; give us a taste of how it looks and feels. You may believe in a "less is more" approach, but I will tell you one thing: many peopel in IF would disagree with you.

I don't enjoy giving such negative reviews, but I'm trying to help you out. You definetely need to sit down with the next chapter and do a lot more thinking about it.
My Book 4: Dawn
Also, my ThornxSaphira short story: Happy Thanksgiving Thorn and Saphira
Want to start your own fic? This will help. Writer's Basics and Useful Tips
"I will walk with you in the darkest places no one else will go and be your friend when all others have forsaken you. We can face the evil together, or succumb to it apart." (Thorn to Murtagh, Dawn)

#6 User is offline   HBomb Icon

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 08:36 PM

Very original opening, I'll give you that. I suggest lengthening your chapters and plumping them up with description for more exciting reading. I'm interested to see where this goes.

-HBomb
My Book IV: Nexus. And my other Book IV: Babylon.

Before starting your own fanfic please read this, it should really help you out.

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#7 User is offline   13Angela13 Icon

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Posted 14 November 2009 - 08:18 PM

Okay , I edited the chapter. I tried to put a little more description of Emeralden and Niera in it. Probaly not very satisfying, but I'm trying.

@kivara - I'm glad you like it.

@Timbowolf- I will try to keep your advice in mind as I write the next chapters.

@HBomb- All I can say is that I'm trying.

Has anyone ever heard of the theroy that the two people in Brisingr that Angela cast the dragon bones for are Galbatorix's daughter and wife? And that Galbatorix has a daughter that becomes the next rider and she and Eragon fall in love? 'Cause this is what my fanfic is based on. The next update might me tomorrow or the day after. Maybe.

90% of the worlds teenagers would die if MySpace had a system failure and crashed. If you are part of the 9% that would be laughing copy paste this into your signature.
84% of teens today have a cell phone. If you are in the 16% that can actually live without one, copy and paste this into your signature.
Read my poem,Aldwin

#8 User is offline   13Angela13 Icon

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Posted 15 November 2009 - 11:38 AM

Chapter 2

Niera left the dark, smoky throne room to prepare for her assignment given to her by Galbatorix, the first since her training was completed, five years ago. She headed to her room, near what was the dragon hold when Uru’baen was Illeria, the Elvin city. She knew Emeralden was following her to their room.

Upon entering, Emeralden and Niera’s room was brighter than most. It was a large room, with a large skylight at the ceiling of the room. Most rooms in the castle were black, but theirs was a soft grey. It reminded you almost of starlight. There was scarce furniture, with only a bed and a huge nest of thick blankets that Emeralden used to sleep, a chest were Niera kept her belongings, and a bookshelf, were Niera put the scrolls and books she had found to help increase her and Emeralden’s knowledge that she knew that they would eventually need in the war.

Niera took out of her chest her mother’s sword, Wryda. The sword was an iridescent green, the hilt of white gold, and an emerald forming the pommel. The blade was thin, suited for her style of fighting. The blade matched Emeralden, since Kialandi’s dragon was green also; the only one of the Forsworn’s dragon’s to be green. The others were black or red, mostly at least. She put Wryda in its sheath and attached it to her belt.

She wanted to visit Murtagh and Thorn, to explain about her and Emeralden. Only Emeralden said,
Go on without me, Emeralden said, I’m going to hunt. Will you go flying with me later?

Of course, replied Niera.

She walked with Emeralden to the exit out of their room that only she, Emeralden, Galbatorix, and Shriukan. It was a take off spot, where Emeralden and Shriukan could take off for their flights. She watched Emeralden take off, with his wings and scales twinkling in the distance.

After words, Niera made herself invisible, and crept out of her room with the uppermost stealth toward Murtagh and Thorn’s room. It took her fifteen minutes to find, because she did not know the way. When she got there, she made a quick check that Thorn and Murtagh were in the room. Fortunately, they were. She opened the door, and crept in. She was amazed to know how quickly she passed the enchantments guarding their room. She lifted the spell making her invisible.
^^^
“ Who’s there?” Murtagh called. He felt relief following from Thorn that it wasn’t Galbatorix when he saw Niera appear, but then a tiny bit of fear of this unknown person.

Why have you come? Thorn asked Niera.

“ I thought the both of you would appreciate a brief history of Emeralden and I. I imagine that the both of you are very confused at the moment, “ answered Niera.
She added “Atra nosu waise vardo fra el hornya. There, now we may speak free from eavesdroppers.”
“Good, “ said Murtagh, who was about to do the same thing himself. “ I would appreciate some answers concerning you and your dragon.”

“ This is a long story, so once I begin, I’d rather not stop,” Niera said. “ I was born here, in Uru’baen sixteen years ago, in this very castle. I do not know the exact details of my birth. What I do know comes from the writings of my mother to explain certain things to me. What I know is that it was a long labor for my mother, it was from dusk to dawn.

“ When I was little the only loved I received came from my mother. Not many would have expected it, with her being devoted to Galbatorix. A few months went by, and my mother had to give me to a wet nurse. We were allowed to see each other after certain intervals. Other than these visits, I was not allowed to leave my quarters, for I had to be kept a secret. Later, I realized that it was for my own protection. When I realized this, I was nine. I knew the true nature of my father, so this surprised me. When I was ten, I discovered his true motive.

“There was still existing dragon eggs from the Fall of the Riders, and my father had them. This surprised me; I was told dragons were extinct except for Shruikan. My father told me to touch the eggs, and Emeralden hatched for me. We underwent 2 years of intensive training, with Father and Shruikan. The last things we were told about were the Eldunari. The hearts of hearts that Father entrusted to me increased my power even more. At the moment, I believe that Emeralden and I are more powerful than you or Eragon. After our training was completed, we were kept in hiding for the next four years. From what we were told, we were hidden because my father wanted to use us as a last resort, a powerful last resort that would crush all enemy opposition. That is how life went in for us until today. Any questions?”

“ Yes, “Murtagh said. “ When I was put before the eggs, there were two eggs on that table. Not one, but two. How can that be?”

“ The green egg you saw was just an illusion of light that Galbatorix created, to make sure my existence wasn’t guessed, “ Niera answered.

^^^

Thorn was listening the whole time to Niera’s speech when he noticed something. Niera’s skin seemed to emit a starry glow, and her hair had a silvery sheen to it. In fact, he noticed everything had a trace of the elves he saw at Gil’ead.

When Niera moved her head for a moment, her mass of light hair moved a little, and he saw pointed ears. He knew that when two-legged, round-ears became riders, they would eventually acquire pointed-ears, but they would never be as pointed as a pointed-ears. Yet, Niera’s ears were like an elf’s.

Then something clicked in Thorn’s mind, and he said,
You’re part-elf, aren’t you?
^^^
“ Yes, I am, “ answered Niera, with a trace of a smile.

“ How can that be?” Murtagh asked.
“Simple, my mother was an elf.”

“ Who was your mother then?”

“ I am the daughter of Kialandi, one of the Thirteen Servants, who was an elf, ” Niera answered simply. With that, she left the room.
-----------------
Well, you now know the history behind Niera and Emeralden. I hope that this was better than chapter 1. Chapter 3 should be Emeralden and Niera flying together.






90% of the worlds teenagers would die if MySpace had a system failure and crashed. If you are part of the 9% that would be laughing copy paste this into your signature.
84% of teens today have a cell phone. If you are in the 16% that can actually live without one, copy and paste this into your signature.
Read my poem,Aldwin

#9 User is offline   kivara Icon

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Posted 15 November 2009 - 12:23 PM

your writing is good as always i just wish you could update more
Please read my book 4 http://www.inheritan...p...t=0&start=0

this is my Saphira help me to get her to grow and i will be able to get her a THorn

#10 User is offline   Timbowolf Icon

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Posted 15 November 2009 - 01:34 PM

That was a significant improvement over your last two chapters. It was still a little short but your pacing wasn't too bad (still kinda fast) and your decription was improved tenfold, though still a little skimpy in some areas. Keep it up.
My Book 4: Dawn
Also, my ThornxSaphira short story: Happy Thanksgiving Thorn and Saphira
Want to start your own fic? This will help. Writer's Basics and Useful Tips
"I will walk with you in the darkest places no one else will go and be your friend when all others have forsaken you. We can face the evil together, or succumb to it apart." (Thorn to Murtagh, Dawn)

#11 User is offline   13Angela13 Icon

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Posted 18 November 2009 - 07:17 PM

Sorry it took so long guys.
Chapter 3

Niera entered the dark smoky corridor, and crept stealthy back to her room. There, Emeralden was waiting for her, returned from hunting. Niera got out the dragon saddle and strapped it on to Emeralden. The saddle itself was made of rich, dark leather and made expertly. She had inherited it from her mother.

Niera climbed on to Emeralden, and strapped herself to the saddle.

I’m taking off now, Emeralden said.

All right, responded Niera.

They rose high in the evening sky from the secret take-off place. As they rose, they tried to relax, and forget about Galbatorix. The pair was a beautiful sight, with Emeralden’s scales glistening in the sunset. Just having a sunset in Uru’baen was rare. Normally, the sky was dark and cloudy, sending the city into twilight. There was pink and orange everywhere from the sunset.

I never said that I am glad we have a little more freedom than Galbaltorix’s other slaves, have I? Emeralden said.

You might have. Still, I wish that we could escape our oaths, and join the Varden, Niera answered.

I wish that could happen as well, but I am not so sure it could happen.

There will be much blood shed when we reach the Varden. Fighting in it self sickens me. Still, we have no choice. Its odd though, that our orders differ than those of Murtagh and Thorns’. Actually, not it is so odd. Do you agree?

Yes I do, Emeralden said. He then did a back loop, and some evasive maneuvers.

Niera was a little thrown off by the maneuvers, but she expected Emeralden to practice these things. She knew she would never fall when she was between his wings. I have thought of a plan for our mission, she said, and she shared with him her strategy.

It seems like a good plan. I think it will work, Emeralden replied.

One other thing I want to tell you, I’m going to dress as a man on our way to the Varden as an extra precaution. I’m not giving the soldiers any ideas involving me, she said.

That’s fine with me, he said, but I’m sure I would knock any ideas of their out of their heads.

I have no doubt you would, she replied.

With that, no more words were spoken for the rest of their flight. It was very peaceful and relaxing for the both of them. The pair both wished it could go on longer, but they had to return to the ground. Emeralden landed on the take-off place as the moon went up and they entered their room.

I’m for spending the next days in rest until we must leave, Emeralden said.

Agreed, Niera replied.

Chapter 4

The morning of the third day, Niera got up early and began to gather her belongings. She got her precious Eldunari out of their hiding place and put them in Emeralden’s saddlebags. When the two large heart of hearts were secure, she went about gathering other essteintals. She got some blankets and food, and some extra clothing.

When that was done, she took the breeches she got the day before and put them on, she then put on her armor, and before putting on her helm, she tied her long tresses into a bun, and put on her silver helm.

The clattering of the armor eventually woke Emeralden, and he got up. He said,
Time to leave now, isn’t it?

Niera nodded her head yes, and went to put on Emeralden’s saddle. When that was done, she climbed on to the saddle, and Emeralden took off. They made it seem that they were going to meet the soldiers, but they never did, because of a last minute order from Galbatorix.

The flight was easy, no winds were pushing against Emeralden, and in fact, if it weren’t for their mission, it would have been an enjoyable flight. They looked at their surroundings, as it was their first time out of Uru’baen, but they didn’t find them likeable until they reached Belatona, their destination. The flight took only a few days. Instead of heading toward the city, they made toward an open field. There they waited for the Varden, and they didn’t have long to wait.

^ ^ ^
-----------
Ok, I realize that this was not the best chapters of all time. I don't have a lot of time during the week, and plus, I had a little writer's block while I was writing this. I have more time on the weekends to write. One thing I want to clear up, Niera is still dressing as a man to fool the Varden. I'm still deciding on whether or not to do an Eragon PoV. Are you guys for it?


90% of the worlds teenagers would die if MySpace had a system failure and crashed. If you are part of the 9% that would be laughing copy paste this into your signature.
84% of teens today have a cell phone. If you are in the 16% that can actually live without one, copy and paste this into your signature.
Read my poem,Aldwin

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