[Evendim]

Chapter 1 has been totally changed ! Go re-read !!

Blood and Iron

Book 1 ~ Eragon


Prologue
Chapter 1 - Lament
Chaper 2 - Unexpected ~ Part I

Know that I am not English, so forgive any spelling mistakes, and point them out for me !!

This post has been edited by Evendim: 07 February 2010 - 08:04 AM

[TheWerecat]

Hey,

Wheres the chapter??

Can you read my fan fic I just started I'll read yours.?

-TheWerecat

[Thunder Gulch]

I am not sure if you have read the rules or not, but only post here when you have got an actaul chapter to post.

-OTF

[Evendim]

Prologue

Something had changed. Light... Something he had not seen for over fifty years... Where was he... Suddenly he remembered, and he was overwhelmed by the memories. Two powerful minds approached him. Please, wake me up !

Please...

He slipped back to what appeared to be a coma, falling off the gravestone he was lying on. His face was lightened, and his pointy ear was clearly visible.

This post has been edited by Evendim: 07 February 2010 - 10:09 AM

[TheWerecat]

Great Chapter.


LOL. I Can just image Blödhgarm coughing up a fur ball and it turns out to be an Eldunarí like thing!!!

Anyway yeah that's a new idea I've never seen before. Great idea.

Your Reader

-TheWerecat

[bPhoenix]

Lets start with double spacing between speeches, that way it's easier to tell. The main thing your story lacks is descriptions and emotions. I mean, most of your first chapter consists of just speeches. Describe their movement, facial expressions, tone of voice, environment, etc.

And your story is going by too fast. One minute they're meeting with Nasuada, the next they're flying in the air and speaking with Glaedr. Then suddenly, they're talking with Nasuada again, and afterwards with Blodhgarm. Where's the transition? You're like... skipping all over the place without bothering to delve into the details.

There's too much going on with too little details pertaining to it. First chapter and they already plan to leave for the RoK. How does Blodhgarm know about the eldunarya? That's a top secret piece of information that only a select few knows of, and Eragon hasn't told his bodyguards of them in book 3 yet. And even if he did just find out, how did he and the elves make an object that was an equivalent of the eldunarya so quickly?

Also, I don't see how a blood-red pavilion reminds him of a golden dragon. Unless you mean the blood part, in which case, why would it remind him only of Glaedr? And lastly, Nasuada is spelled with a 's' not a 'z'.

[Evendim]

Lets start with double spacing between speeches, that way it's easier to tell. The main thing your story lacks is descriptions and emotions. I mean, most of your first chapter consists of just speeches. Describe their movement, facial expressions, tone of voice, environment, etc.
The spaces, I'll do, but the reason there aren't a lot of descriptions is the answer on your next question

And your story is going by too fast. One minute they're meeting with Nasuada, the next they're flying in the air and speaking with Glaedr. Then suddenly, they're talking with Nasuada again, and afterwards with Blodhgarm. Where's the transition? You're like... skipping all over the place without bothering to delve into the details.
That's because the first Chapter is kind of... how can I explain it... lets say a Prologue.


There's too much going on with too little details pertaining to it. First chapter and they already plan to leave for the RoK. How does Blodhgarm know about the eldunarya? That's a top secret piece of information that only a select few knows of, and Eragon hasn't told his bodyguards of them in book 3 yet. And even if he did just find out, how did he and the elves make an object that was an equivalent of the eldunarya so quickly?
Because I wanted him to. Because he is one of the greatest elf sorcerers. And not really quickly. They have been doing that for a long time

Also, I don't see how a blood-red pavilion reminds him of a golden dragon. Unless you mean the blood part, in which case, why would it remind him only of Glaedr? And lastly, Nasuada is spelled with a 's' not a 'z'.
Well, it reminded him of how Glaedr's mind looked when Oromis died, I'm sorry I didn't specify ^^

I'll try to follow your advice

This post has been edited by Evendim: 17 November 2009 - 12:22 PM

[bPhoenix]

Okay, you say they have been making that object that was just like an eldunari for a long time, but that still doesn't explain why they know of it. It's your story, so if you just want them to know without any reasons, then by all means, go ahead. I'm just saying, it makes little sense if you follow the inheritance cycle thus far. That's not to say it's a bad idea, I just kind of want an explanation as to how it happens, as opposed to it just being randomly added in.

And, tbh, this doesn't feel much like a prologue at all.

Don't take this the wrong way; I'm not trying to be harsh or anything. I'm simply saying what I, myself, think will help make your story better. But I wish you luck on it, nonetheless.

[Evendim]

[deleted :3]
*gave away story*

XD

This post has been edited by Evendim: 17 November 2009 - 02:19 PM

[bPhoenix]

Uh... well no, that actually sounds more like a prologue imo. xD Prologues are used to introduce new characters/ideas, etc. If you started off with someone trapped in a crypt which suddenly opens... then that would definitely be a prologue if you ask me. And that actually makes me interested in the story, it draws me in, which is a good thing. You want to draw the reader's attention with the prologue or first chapter.

[Evendim]

Tell me if it's nice ^^


It's on the first post.

This post has been edited by Evendim: 17 November 2009 - 02:10 PM

[bPhoenix]

It's short, but that is definitely an interesting prologue. A hundred years... I wonder if he could possibly be either Vrael or Evandar. What I don't understand is, why would he fall off a gravestone? Or rather... why was he lying on one if he was dead/in a coma?

[Evendim]

Obviously, he was placed there.


Why is that you should ask yourself

This post has been edited by Evendim: 17 November 2009 - 02:37 PM

[bPhoenix]

A gravestone is something used to mark graves... why would someone place a body on top of that? o_O

Though, my guess is someone's getting corpses out of the graves then placing it on the gravestone temporarily while they continue working. But it still doesn't sound like a very logical place to put a body... xD

Anyway, I can't wait to see what this whole graveyard deal is all about.

[Fredric 43]

You could be better in pretty much everything, so I'll be looking for improvement in your next chapter, but, I think you really need to work on description and length, that chapter was just like 'we're alone'...Glaedr talks...Go to find RoK...Over.See what I mean, all of that happened within about 4 paragraphs, you just need more substance, all in all, a good first effort.