[sharkfire]

Chapter one : Remnants


Eragon was sitting peacefully under the shade if a towering pine tree remembering happy days spent strolling through Ellesmera with Arya. Just a he slipped into his waking dreams an enormous explosion ripped the the birds from the trees and fired Eragon like a speeding arrow towards the Vardens camp. Saphira where are you, I need you? Shouted Eragon with his mind. Coming. Run I can see smoke rising from the center of the Varden's camp. I think it is Nasuada. Eragon sprinted faster than he had ever known possible towards Nassuada’s smoking pavilion.
“ My lady!” Shouted Eragon seeing a prone figure lying in the dust. It was Nasuada, her dress was blanketed with soot and fresh blood.
“ What happened?” Asked Eragon, “ Wait don't talk let me heal you.”
“No. Eragon it is my time to go. Please do not prolong my suffering just listen to my last command I have for you as your leiglord. Eragon shadeslayer, last free rider in Alagasia I charge you to protect the Varden, Dwarves, Elves, Human, and any else who wish to escape from the tyranny of Galbatorix. I charge you do not let our victories at Fienster and the Burning plains fade attack Bellatona kill Glabatorix. Choose a new leader for the Varden who will lead us to victory against Galbatorix. I release you from my service,” with this Nasuada's head shrugged back against the ground and all life left her body.
“ No.” Eragon said quietly. “No,” with a roar like a rabid animal Eragon took off following the scent of magic. He tracked a pair of footsteps from a nearby cliff to a heavily wooded valley about 4 miles away from the Vardens camp. He could hear whispering in a small clearing up ahead.
Eragon leapt out of the trees and with a flash drew brisinger. With in a few seconds only one soldier remained standing. Eragon sheathed his sword and slowly walked up to the last soldier.
“ Did you attack the varden?” Eragon asked calmly.
“ N-no sir rider I didn't it was-” but before he could finish his lies Eragon jabbed out with his mind and wrenched the memories from the soldiers mind. 4 days ago the soldier had met with murtagh and thorn upon a small hill. Murtagh had told him to gather 6 men 2 of whom had to be magicians from the almost obliterated group the black hand and attack the varden killing Nasuada. Then murtahg had given him a sheet of parchment that described how to make a powder that would explode when certain amounts of energy were poured into it. For 2 days the group of men he had chosen had sat and done nothing but pour all their available energy into a crystal which would be used to activate the powder. Then they had made their way to this glade and planned their attack. it had gone smoothly. 2 men would slit the back of nasuada's tent open then pour the powder into it. The they had ran back to the camp. Just had he had crested the ridge where the magicians had been hiding a huge explosion that could be heard for miles desecrated the pavilion.
“ You should die for what you did. But I have yet to reach my decision yet, ” Said eragon.
“ Th-thank you my lord, I am very grateful,” stuttered the soldier.
“ I shall challenge you to a duel. I shall use only one leg and one arm to attack with no magic or sword. You can use whatever you want. Get want you need i give you 2 minutes... Times up” Finished Eragon. Then suddenly the soldier fired 3 arrows at Eragon and attacked with his sword. Eragon just managed to dodge the arrows and pluck air. Quickly he spun around to face the charging soldier and threw the arrow at his chest. The tip pierced his mail and bit deeply into the soldiers stomach. The soldier almost fell but he charged onward toward Eragon sword hanging loosely at his side. Just before the soldier hit Eragon he whipped his sword up only to have it slapped out of the way by Eragon's palm. Again the soldier attack only to have his sword knocked away. With blinding speed Eragon reached downward to the soldiers wrist and wrenched the sword away. With out thinking Eragon punched at the soldiers face and broke his skull. The soldier fell to the ground dead.
Saphira where are you I need you. Please come an get me. I shall come. With that saphira broke their link and flew towards him.
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So i hoped you liked my first chapter. Please comment if you think I should keep writing it.
If there are comments the next chapter will be called Reckoning.
Oh yeah sorry for any spelling mistakes of names and place from the IC I promise if I keep writing it I will make no more.
Sorry about it being short if I it is any good the chapters will be longer.

This post has been edited by sharkfire: 17 November 2009 - 10:29 PM

[The Critic]

Well, as is usual with first chapters, all anyone can do is point out immediate grammatical errors. So:

Double space new paragraphs, the tab key as a way of indenting is unusable. You do better than many writers posting their first chapters with your knowledge of where to begin new paragraphs, beginnings of new speakers, change of subject, etc. You have good grammar as well, and good spelling. Why do you put a space after beginning quotes and before the actual words they speak?

You may have italicized things like Saphira's think-speaking and Eragon's thoughts when you first wrote this, if you use Microsoft word or some such program. But it doesn't translate to Inheritance Forums. You have to go through again, re-italicizing. But using Microsoft Word or another, similar program is still the best option.

Overall, simple mistakes aside, good chapter. Longer chapters in the future wouldn't hurt, though.

Critic 1

This post has been edited by The Critic: 18 November 2009 - 12:03 AM

[Savasung88]

It was a good idea to start off with. Not many fan-fics have killed Nasuada in the first chapter.

But I urge you to take it slow. Describe everything no matter how small, the weather, sights, sounds, smells etc. It really helps, just don't go overboard. Though that is something you will learn in time.

Try and add in more emotions as well like the rage and grief the Eragon must have been feeling after Nasuada's death.

Just a thought.

Savvy

[The Critic]

Oh! I didn't notice you'd killed Nasuada. But it happened in like two sentences, and was not spoken of again in any great detail, with no real signs of mourning, throughout the rest of the chapter. I miss things in books more often than I'd care to admit, oh well. Interesting tactic, it takes quite a bit now to make a story original, ad I think you just did that. You killed her in the first chapter, first paragraph, even! (whistles) Reminds me of how Ajihad died. And I forgot to add in my previous post, I don't know that Eragon would say he would use one arm, one leg, and no magic. He'd be practically spitting mad, not exactly in the mood to play games. But it's your story. Update soon, but only as soon as you can without pushing yourself too hard. Go too fast and your story will fizzle.

Critic 1

This post has been edited by The Critic: 18 November 2009 - 01:14 PM

[Lafele29]

unique very unique! if read yours will you read mine please. i like the fact you made farther like daughter. but don't rush it. and add more descriptions.

[Timbowolf]

Interesting, but so fast paced and bare-bones it was hard to appreciate. Everyone seems to kill Nasuada for some reason...do people really hate her that much? But, it definetely was a unique echo of what happened when Ajihad died in Eragon's presence.

Suggestions:

1. Slow down. I'm a pretty fast reader, but I read your chapter in like no more than two minutes; it was literally juat Eragon under a tree, explosion, Nasuada's death, and the fight with the soldier. There is an in-between time between the key events of the chapter that many greenhorn writers skip writing (and I used to that a lot when I started).

2. More description. How were the rest of the Varden reacting? Where were the Nighthawks? What did the soldier who fought Eragon look like? Tell us a little bit more about Eragon's relaxation and where he was. The list could go on, but those are the main ones I can think of.

3. Space between your paragraphs. It's really hard to read if you don't, especially since indenting is so hard on these threads.

4. Remember to use italics for any thoughts or when a dragon is talking. And no, italics don't translate over from Word or other programs like that; you need to put them in here.

Not much else to say. Take a bit mroe time with your nrxt chapter, and if you need help feel free to ask.

[bPhoenix]

Most definitely one of the more interesting beginnings to a fanfic. However, it was far too fast paced. Slow down, use more descriptions and add more emotions. It hardly felt like Eragon was really upset over the death of Nasuada; he just seemed mildly angry.

As mentioned before, you have to double space your paragraphs and speeches. It makes reading it easier. When a new person is speaking or thinking, go to a new paragraph; don't keep it in the same one.

You have to capitalize names. You had them capitalized at the beginning and ending, but in the middle with Murtagh and Thorn, you simply neglected to do so.

And lastly, don't use numerals. Instead of '2', type out the actual word, 'two'. It may be longer than just using the numbers, but it looks far better and more professional.

[sharkfire]

thanks for all the help i will try to correct them in the next chapter. I have done a bit of outlining for it and hope to have it done by friday at the latest.

[Vlad Taltos]

Although it was hard to read because of the errors stated above, overall I liked your story. Keep it up.

[HBomb]

No offense, and I truly mean it when I say no offense, but that was a pretty fail confession from Arya. You should have at least spent a little while developing their relationship. Also if you were going to do it so quickly at least have Arya stay somewhat true to her character and don't have her randomly kiss Eragon in front of the entire Varden, that's pretty extreme.

Just my own little ExA thoughts.

-HBomb

[sharkfire]

H-bomb thanks for the input. I deleted the post and am currently changing it. When i read it again I realized I rushed it and should've took time to develop their relationship instead of just rushing it in like 2 paragraphs less even. So thanks and I hope you continue to comment like that the rest if the book. I will try to have the revised chapter up tonight or tomorrow.

[Lafele29]

ohh I missed it.. don't suppose you can pm it to me?

[sharkfire]

Lafele29: I don't really want to. It's not that good. I'll have the revised chapter up tonight or tomorrow around noon when i wake up.

[HBomb]

I'm glad you took my comment the right way, I'm always hesitant to post certain things because I'm afraid that the writer will take it as an insult and get all pissy. Anyways if you need help with something in a chapter I'd be glad to lend a hand.

-HBomb

[sharkfire]

Chapter 2: Reckoning


For many hours Eragon and Saphira sat together mourning Nasuada. Eragon. We must go to the Varden they nead a leader at this time. Only you know Nasuada's last words. It would be very suspicious if we didn't not turn up after the death of Nasuada especially since it was undoubtably caused by magic. Saphira told Eragon. Yes I know we must. Come then we shall go. With that Eragon jumped onto Saphira's saddle and she took off sending flurries of dust and rocks into the cool air.


The wind whipped through Eragon's hair as Saphira flew steadily onward towards the Varden's camp. In about ten minutes Eragon could see what looked like ants scurrying around the tents that where just black smudges in the landscape. The closer and Saphira got to the camp the louder and bigger the moving dots Eragon now identified as people grew. Saphira landed in the midst of a confused group of men half dressed for war buffeting them with gusts of cool wind.
“Shadeslayer Nasuada is dead!” Said a man with shaggy brown hair loosely covered by a steel helm.
“ I know now spread the word that there will be a meeting in the center of camp in half an hour,” Said Eragon keeping his voice calm not letting any emotion out, even though so many were boiling inside him.
“Yes Shadeslayer.” Said the soldier tears now staining his cheeks.


First Eragon went back to his tent and washed himself with water from a basin then scraped the gore of fight off of himself with a polished stick. Quickly he ran back to Saphira and jumped on her back. Saphira, what will I tell the Varden about Nasuada's death? Eragon asked Saphira in his mind. Everything her last words, about her killers, and her great deeds in Alagaesia. Don't hold anything back tell all. Saphira said her own voice was laced with traces of anger and sadness. I shall Saphira. With that Eragon and Saphira slowly circled to the prescribed meeting place.


Already thousands of Varden were there and many more were on their way. Eragon gulped and began to speak using magic to project his voice for all to hear,
“People of the Varden, yesterday our leader was killed. Nasuada was killed not in the heat of battle by a worthy foe but by trickery and deceit. Her killers were soldiers of the Empire. They were the last remnants of the black hand Galbatorix's best assassins they used a form of explosive powder that when enough energy was added would explode and kill any near it. Nasuada was strong enough to hang onto life long until I could get to her and hear her last words. She charged me to keep the Varden safe with all my powers. She charged me to find a new leader for the Varden one who would keep the Varden strong enough to resist Galbatorix. Let her not be forgotten she was a hero. Who was it that led the Varden out of hiding and to victory at Feinster and the Burning plains? Who fought along side the archers at the battle of Farthen Dur? I will tell you who it was Nasuada let her not be forgotten. I say let us attack Belatona and reclaim the Empire under the rightful rule of men not insane magicians! Let us save all races that remain free! Free your families from the tyranny of Galbatorix! Keep Nasuada's memory alive!” With the conclusion of Eragon's speech the crowd broke into cheers and screams of approval.
“I remember when you could barely string a sentence together in front of a crowd. This shows how much you have grown since the first time we spoke. When you first contacted me with your mind on the way to the Varden I could sense fear and uncertainty. Now you have grown into a strong confident Rider who is worthy of Vrael's title,” Arya said her voice was some how different than it usually was. It had a a dreamy quality to it as if she were lost in thought.
“Thank you Arya. That means a lot,” Eragon said. Arya patted his arm gently. The motion surprised him so much that he jumped a foot in the air.
“Now is there anyone here who has the strength, intelligence, and leadership to take Nasuada's place?” Eragon yelled into the Varden.
With a roar the crowd answered”Strong Hammer! Strong Hammer! Strong Hammer!”
“If that is what everyone wishes then I heartily agree. He is a tactical master, a courageous and skilled fighter. He is a good choice!” Eragon gestured for Roran to come onto the podium with him. When Roran climbed up and Eragon grabbed Roran into a tight bear hug.
“Tomorrow we leave for Belatona! Tomorrow we march towards a better future! Tomorrow we walk one step closer to freedom!” Roran yelled into the eagerly cheering crowd,”Now return to your tents gather your shields we have a duty to Nasuada to uphold.” Roran finished somberly. At this the crowd fell silent remembering what had just happened. Slowly they walked back to their tents to dress in their finest clothes and gather their shields.


The six remaining Nighthawks among whom was a very badly injured Garven and 2 of the 4 urgal guards along with two men carried Nasuada towards the pre-made funeral pyre while two others dressed in shining plate amour adorned with the standard of the Varden: a white dragon holding a rose above a sword pointing downward on a purple field. Slowly they marched towards where Eragon, Arya, Saphira, Orik, Jormundur, and Roran stood somberly waiting. When the Nighthawks finally waded through the crowd of mourning Varden and set Nasuada upon their shields onto the pyre the torch was passed from Roran to Jormundur to Orik by Saphira who lit it gently with a short blast of fire from her snout to Arya to Eragon who lent over mournfully and lit the pyre. The dwarves started to keen their usually deep voices sounding like a chorus of song birds in the morning. Then the men and women of the Varden joined in. For half an hour the keening went on before Roran silenced it with a wave of his hands.
“Now people of the Varden let us feast and honor Nasuada with tales of her great deeds. Cooks start the cook fires tonight we let the Empire know we have not surrendered!” Roran roared and the Varden cheered. Soon after the Varden had departed Eragon and Roran walked slowly through the blackening night together.
“So. Leader of the Varden. How does it fell? Corrupt with power yet?” Eragon joked.
Growing serious now Roran said,” Eragon I will need your help in the months and weeks to come. You have more experience in the Varden's politics than I. Please I need your help.”
“I will help you. Just ask and I will do what I can,” Eragon replied solemnly,”Now let's go get some food!”

After a hearty meal of hundreds of varieties of mushrooms and other vegetables Eragon went back to his tent to talk with Saphira. Saphira I am worried. What if Roran is not fit to lead the Varden. I know he is a natural leader but what if the Empire captured Katrina? He could be backed into doing something that could end terribly just to keep her safe. Saphira replied in her gravely voice, I believe in Roran. He may love Katrina more than anything and do anything to keep her safe but I believe when the time comes he will make the right choice. All he needs are strong advisors. Not the council of Elders they must be replaced. Eragon yawned, thank you Saphira I needed that. I have no more doubts. I think it is time to sleep. . With that Eragon crawled under Saphira's left wing curled up and went to sleep.
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For those who read my first attempt at this chapter i hope you notice some of the changes i made. It's short but that will change next chapter. I hope to have it posted by tomorrow afternoon or sunday morning. Tell me what you think of this chapter. Oh yeah and can you guys tell me if you think I'm moving to fast in the story because i can't tell.

This post has been edited by sharkfire: 20 November 2009 - 07:04 PM