[Arya II]

Hi guys, this is my first story, so please be kind to me.

Wyrda abr Alagaesia

PROLOUGE: Loss of a Master

It was three days after the siege of Feinster. Eragon was sitting on a hill half a mile away from the Varden camp. His mind was immersed in an ocean of grief. He could not believe it. His half brother, his friend, has killed his master. He could not get the picture of Zar’roc cutting Oromis’s chest open out of his mind. He tried focusing his thoughts on something else, but could not. Suddenly, a calming voice filled his mind.

“Hello, little one.”

“Hello, Saphira. It’s good to hear your voice in these times of grief. But aren’t you grieving?”

“I am, little one. But I hide my grief behind a barrier of strength. I got over it by focusing my mind on the thought that we can and will defeat Galbatorix.”

“Thank you, Saphira. You always know what to say.”

“I am a dragon, little one. My logic is unbeatable.”

Eragon laughed. He said, “Come on, lets go see Arya. She is also grieving, and may need our consolation.

He climbed on top of Saphira, who took off.

“This is so much fun, Saphira!”

“Hang on, little one!”

Saphira rose, then corkscrewed towards the ground. At the last second, with twenty feet left, she rose. The wind buffeted Eragon’s face as Saphira performed her hair-raising maneuvers. Finally, they reached Arya’s tent.

Inside, they heard panting. Looking inside, they saw lots of blood, a body and an injured person kneeling near the bed, panting.

This post has been edited by Arya II: 19 November 2009 - 09:35 AM

[kivara]

good start it could have been longer but it is only the prologue

[Lord Murphy]

One thing that all new writers need to do is add much more detail. When you add more detail about the sights smells and sounds it will lengthen you chapter. Also it seemed to me reading this was t many statments. The reading did not really flow to me. I felt as if I was reading individual pieces rather than a chapter so work at that.

This is not meant to be mean or harsh but only to help. I have read my share of fan fics on here and now which ones do best and why.

Let me know if you need help with anything.

[Polynesian]

Sorry, but I did not see anything particularly good in it. For one, it was so generic Book four starting that I facepalmed. Why must it always be either Eragon sitting on a hill grieving with the infamous three days after Feinster or then Arya confused? Seriously, everybody should be ashamed.

Secondly, I don't really think you should post that short a chapter. Even for a prologue it was way too short. In my opinion, it should be 13 times that, and still it wouldn't be a proper chapter. Write it properly before posting.

[Eragon S Bromsson]

Not a bad start. Your prologue itself has cliffhanger, so it seems there will be more. Aye?

Well then, since you are just beginning, and are just in the prologue, I will give you some pointers.

1. Don't take rude comments too seriously. They help you as much as they insult you. You can even sit back and laugh at 'em if you are optimistic enough.

2. If this is going to be the usual length of your chapters, then I will suggest that you try to make them longer. It won't do for such small chapters, because it won't have all the details, nor will it satisfy your readers.

3. Prologues are (usually) shorter than proper chapters, that's just what I think.

Okay then, that's all I can help you with for now, and all the best.

PM me if you need help with anything related to the story, be it writing some sort of POV, or making a new character, or stuff like that, I'll do my best.

===============================

@Uzeeh: You don't need to be so ruthless in commenting, if you get my meaning. Someone might take it to heart and have a serious enmity against you, and you DO NOT want it. I know, you just laugh at me now, but things will get a lot more worse if you go around insulting people. I took my share of it, and I kept my patience, I am not sure everyone is like me. Just a insight from perspective, bro, no offence meant.

This post has been edited by Eragon S Bromsson: 20 November 2009 - 12:41 PM

[Lafele29]

Hi i'm new at my fanfic too so I'll tell you just keep going and add loads of pointless stuff lol (which i actullay like doing) The one thing that really hit me as a no go was Eragon saying this fun straigh away. Saphira should loop and turn before that,

Good luck

Lafele

ps. please comment on mine tell me what you think

[Vakna Vrenshrrgn]

Hi

It is so nice to have a new fanfic which has paragraphs and itallics at the start. I agree with the other comments that it did not flow to well. It also needs more detail as it was very short and detail helps the reader picture things more. Such as the opening paragraph what is the weather like, what are the surroundings things like that. When he laughs it seems a bit out of place because is he not meant to be really sad. When he jumps on Saphira it seems to disjointed that was the bit when it really did not flow.

Hope you don't take this harshly new fanfics need advice.

[Arya II]

Thanks for all the comments, guys. My updating is going to be really slow, so the first chapter will be up sometime soon.