Sign In
Register
Help
Hey everyone, Durza here and I'm just letting you all know that I am starting a fan fiction about what I think book four will be. 3/5 critique level please. Starting now, thanks
Page 1 of 1
Empire
My book four.
Rate Topic:
2 Votes
MultiQuote
#2
darkangel447 
- IT'S A MIGHTY DRAGON
-
- Posts: 152
- Joined: 02-September 09
- Gender:Male
Posted 20 November 2009 - 10:20 AM
Hey! Welcome to IF.
Just to let you know, it is infact against Forum Rules to post a thread about a book you are going to write - you have to have the first chapter ready to post before opening a thread about it. The mods may close this thread becase of that.
Dark
Just to let you know, it is infact against Forum Rules to post a thread about a book you are going to write - you have to have the first chapter ready to post before opening a thread about it. The mods may close this thread becase of that.
Dark
#3
Lafele29
- Voulez-Vous manger mon dragon?
-
- Posts: 326
- Joined: 16-August 09
- Gender:Female
Posted 20 November 2009 - 10:44 AM
Hi welcome! I wold post the chapter or a least a preview before the mods get here. And I think there is already a fanfic called Empire...
Thinks..
no its fine because it closed down
good luck! read mine please
Thinks..
no its fine because it closed down
good luck! read mine please
#4
Duurzaa
- Standard Issue Farmboy
- Posts: 6
- Joined: 20-November 09
Posted 20 November 2009 - 10:55 AM
CHAPTER 1: A Sense of Doom.
Eragon was mourning his late master in his tent, crying, and reconsidering every word Oromis spoke to him. Saphira, how come you are so mild? You have lost your master and I have lost mine. Eragon asked through their link. He trotted over his tent onto his bed, for he was tired, after being up all night telling everyone exactly how Oromis died, which was torture for him, but he could not ignore the whole of the Varden. Eragon, I do grieve for my masters, but think. They have been alive hundreds of years, waiting for the last free rider so he could train it. He has fulfilled his own wishes, and he wanted to die. He had been alive too long, and he already sensed the doom coming. I do not grieve out loud such as you two-legs THAT often, I grieve on the inside.
Eragon plopped onto his bed and started reading Domia abr Wyrda, for it apparent;y considered information that needed to be used when a great disaster strikes Alagaesia, and in Eragon's opinion, Galbatorix was the GREATEST distaster. His bed felt nice and warm after a day of nothing but bloodshed and slaughter, and he relaxed, reading his only book. I'm going hunting. Saphira randomly said, chuckling to herself because she was already way in the air and Eragon was still reading. He noticed she was gone and said to her. Alright Saphira, take care!
Saphira flew out of the Varden's camp as fast as a missile, she skyrocketed straight above, and dove down. SAPHIRA!! Eragon shouted, not knowing what was going on. Saphira was feet away from crashing when the wind caught her wings and she glided around, towards the Spine for hunting. Haven't you learned I am the best at flying yet? Saphira boasted! Eragon had long been out of his book, watching Saphira. 'I GUESS NOT!" he shouted physically, with a wild grin on his face! Watch out for two-legs-metal-shells Saphira! Eragon mentally teased. I will lick you head to toe when I'm done hunting, Eragon! Saphira said with a growl!
Once Eragon was back in his tent, he saw a familiar black figure. "Ho, Jarsha. What brings you here?" Eragon asked.
"Lady Nasuada is expecting you at her tent in 5 minutes!" Jarsha said with a grin, he was liking his new talent, delivering messages
"Thank you Jarsha, you are getting better at messages everytime! Dismissed." Eragon packed his sack, and started walking across the Varden's camp to Nasuada's tent. He stepped on several stickers, for he had no shoes, as they fell off during the battle of Feinster. Oof, that hurts. I will demand shoes from Nasuada once I get there Eragon said, half joking.
Once he reached the pavilion, he saw Lady Nasuada, Nar Garzhvog and king Orik. "Ah, welcome Eragon! We have been waiting for you for us to discuss our plans." Nasuada said, as the other leaders greeted him.
"Thank you for such the warm welcome, but lets get down to business? Where are you sending me?" Eragon asked, thinking he would be sent somewhere to do with dragons, for after Nasuada heard of the Eldunarya, surely she would want more.
Nasuada grinned, "You know me too well. We do indeed have a task for yo-" They were interrupted by a load roar as Saphira stuck her head through the door. What'd I miss?she said, projecting her thoughts. "You missed nothing Flametounge, for our meeting has just started." Garzhvog stated.
"He is right, we have just started, and you have the perfect timing." Orrin said with a grin.
Saphira proudly walked a little closer in the tent so she the hear the tiny two-leg-small-mouths. "As I was saying, the leaders and I-" She was interrupted again when Saphira burped. Sorry, carry on. Everyone laughed. Nasuada started again, "As I was saying, the leaders and I have decided to send you on a 3 way trip. There are several locations of importance, but I picked the top three, you will go to Du Fells Nangoroth, Utgarde, and Doro Araeba, you will search the entire areas for anything of importance, you might even find another rider or dragon"
Eragon expected this much, and in between crying for his master and building a plan to separate Galbatorix from his Eldunarya, he had been planning to go to those three locations himself. This just sped up his plans.
"I will go, Nasuada, Orrin, Garzhvog. I will visit those three locations, and be back within 2 weeks. When do I leave?" Eragon said.
"You will leave right now, as I see you already packed your bags." Orrin responded. Eragon had expected this again. "Alright, as your vassal, Lady Nasuada, I will fulfill your wishes RIGHT now and glean power/information from those places." And with that, Saphira roared! Eragon could sense several people coming towards them, and one from a different place.
Eragon knew what was happening, "NASUADA, RUN!" He shouted. Elva was running full speed, Nasuada was scrambling into her secret hatch, but they were both too late. It went all too fast for Eragon. A dart went right past Elva and struck Nasuada square in her heart.
Nasuada was no more.
____________________________________________________________
How do you like it? I know the paragraphs got messed up and so did the italics, but im still figuring it out. Come on and comment away. Next chapter sometime tonight.
Eragon was mourning his late master in his tent, crying, and reconsidering every word Oromis spoke to him. Saphira, how come you are so mild? You have lost your master and I have lost mine. Eragon asked through their link. He trotted over his tent onto his bed, for he was tired, after being up all night telling everyone exactly how Oromis died, which was torture for him, but he could not ignore the whole of the Varden. Eragon, I do grieve for my masters, but think. They have been alive hundreds of years, waiting for the last free rider so he could train it. He has fulfilled his own wishes, and he wanted to die. He had been alive too long, and he already sensed the doom coming. I do not grieve out loud such as you two-legs THAT often, I grieve on the inside.
Eragon plopped onto his bed and started reading Domia abr Wyrda, for it apparent;y considered information that needed to be used when a great disaster strikes Alagaesia, and in Eragon's opinion, Galbatorix was the GREATEST distaster. His bed felt nice and warm after a day of nothing but bloodshed and slaughter, and he relaxed, reading his only book. I'm going hunting. Saphira randomly said, chuckling to herself because she was already way in the air and Eragon was still reading. He noticed she was gone and said to her. Alright Saphira, take care!
Saphira flew out of the Varden's camp as fast as a missile, she skyrocketed straight above, and dove down. SAPHIRA!! Eragon shouted, not knowing what was going on. Saphira was feet away from crashing when the wind caught her wings and she glided around, towards the Spine for hunting. Haven't you learned I am the best at flying yet? Saphira boasted! Eragon had long been out of his book, watching Saphira. 'I GUESS NOT!" he shouted physically, with a wild grin on his face! Watch out for two-legs-metal-shells Saphira! Eragon mentally teased. I will lick you head to toe when I'm done hunting, Eragon! Saphira said with a growl!
Once Eragon was back in his tent, he saw a familiar black figure. "Ho, Jarsha. What brings you here?" Eragon asked.
"Lady Nasuada is expecting you at her tent in 5 minutes!" Jarsha said with a grin, he was liking his new talent, delivering messages
"Thank you Jarsha, you are getting better at messages everytime! Dismissed." Eragon packed his sack, and started walking across the Varden's camp to Nasuada's tent. He stepped on several stickers, for he had no shoes, as they fell off during the battle of Feinster. Oof, that hurts. I will demand shoes from Nasuada once I get there Eragon said, half joking.
Once he reached the pavilion, he saw Lady Nasuada, Nar Garzhvog and king Orik. "Ah, welcome Eragon! We have been waiting for you for us to discuss our plans." Nasuada said, as the other leaders greeted him.
"Thank you for such the warm welcome, but lets get down to business? Where are you sending me?" Eragon asked, thinking he would be sent somewhere to do with dragons, for after Nasuada heard of the Eldunarya, surely she would want more.
Nasuada grinned, "You know me too well. We do indeed have a task for yo-" They were interrupted by a load roar as Saphira stuck her head through the door. What'd I miss?she said, projecting her thoughts. "You missed nothing Flametounge, for our meeting has just started." Garzhvog stated.
"He is right, we have just started, and you have the perfect timing." Orrin said with a grin.
Saphira proudly walked a little closer in the tent so she the hear the tiny two-leg-small-mouths. "As I was saying, the leaders and I-" She was interrupted again when Saphira burped. Sorry, carry on. Everyone laughed. Nasuada started again, "As I was saying, the leaders and I have decided to send you on a 3 way trip. There are several locations of importance, but I picked the top three, you will go to Du Fells Nangoroth, Utgarde, and Doro Araeba, you will search the entire areas for anything of importance, you might even find another rider or dragon"
Eragon expected this much, and in between crying for his master and building a plan to separate Galbatorix from his Eldunarya, he had been planning to go to those three locations himself. This just sped up his plans.
"I will go, Nasuada, Orrin, Garzhvog. I will visit those three locations, and be back within 2 weeks. When do I leave?" Eragon said.
"You will leave right now, as I see you already packed your bags." Orrin responded. Eragon had expected this again. "Alright, as your vassal, Lady Nasuada, I will fulfill your wishes RIGHT now and glean power/information from those places." And with that, Saphira roared! Eragon could sense several people coming towards them, and one from a different place.
Eragon knew what was happening, "NASUADA, RUN!" He shouted. Elva was running full speed, Nasuada was scrambling into her secret hatch, but they were both too late. It went all too fast for Eragon. A dart went right past Elva and struck Nasuada square in her heart.
Nasuada was no more.
____________________________________________________________
How do you like it? I know the paragraphs got messed up and so did the italics, but im still figuring it out. Come on and comment away. Next chapter sometime tonight.
This post has been edited by Duurzaa: 20 November 2009 - 11:05 AM
#5
DaveO9
- Standard Issue Farmboy
- Posts: 97
- Joined: 01-June 09
Posted 20 November 2009 - 12:38 PM
I only barley skimmed it...
First of all, double space the paragraphs so that they are easier to read...
I suggest you look at other fanfics and look at how they do it, especially in the first chapters look at the advice they have received, and follow it...
You're going way too fast... This is only the first chapter and Nasuada is already dead? It is confusing and boring to read something like this, if you keep up this pace I can see your book finishing in like ten chapters...
Thoughts and mind communication should be in italics... Makes it easier to read, understand and cuts down on your explanations...
Don't use digits in your writting, say the number, for example if you going to say; "1000 men were sent to the front", say; "a thousand men were sent to the front"...
It makes for better reading... Also, I suggest you cut down on the all capitals in some parts, its okay for some parts but it doesn't look good...
Also make new paragraphs every time someone else is talking, or begins to talk, either with their minds or mouth... Also add a description of who it is talking and their reactions or whatever...
I advise you to post the next chapter as soon as possible, and chapter 3 too if you can... It really is impossible to actually critic with only one chapter...
I advise you edit the last chapter also and you may get more responses...
I will critic better when I see the next chapter and some other comments... Don't be put down by my comments, all new writers need improvement the first times...
Now to read the chapter carefully...
Dave
Ok now I've read it completely...
Events seem to be random and hectic in your fanfic...
Also you need to get a sense of perspective... In the sense that in what seemed like a couple of minutes Saphira left to hunt, according to Eragon, almost crashed, then really went hunting, to the spine, a mountain range hundreds of miles away, which would normally have taken at least a couple of days to get there flying, as quickly as she could, but only took her a couple of minutes, then returned in time for a crazy meeting with absolutely no discussion between the characters or any sense whatsoever, where Nasuada was killed, it isn't very clear what Elva was doing there, was she there to protect her or only randomly appeared out of nowhere... (Remember she doesn't serve Nasuada anymore...)
Where are Eragons body guards? Where is Arya? What day is it? (It sounded like it was the day after the battle of Feinster but Eragon didn't even appear to be tired...) Why were they meeting outside to discuss secret plans?
The chapter was pretty short. You need to check your spelling, especially on the names. Eragon losing his shoes, then walking on something that hurt him was a pretty strange thing to mention, and it had absolutely no purpose as far as I can see...
I suggest you write directly here, that eliminates the need to edit the chapters to put in the italics and add the paragraph breaks... Also I advice you to use Firefox, it has spelling check which might help you...
Most of all, before you post them, read your own chapter and criticize it yourself...
I can think of a lot more things to say, but I guess I have given you enough to think about and do...
Like I said don't be dissapointed by comments and ratings right now...
Oh and welcome to the forums...
Dave
First of all, double space the paragraphs so that they are easier to read...
I suggest you look at other fanfics and look at how they do it, especially in the first chapters look at the advice they have received, and follow it...
You're going way too fast... This is only the first chapter and Nasuada is already dead? It is confusing and boring to read something like this, if you keep up this pace I can see your book finishing in like ten chapters...
Thoughts and mind communication should be in italics... Makes it easier to read, understand and cuts down on your explanations...
Don't use digits in your writting, say the number, for example if you going to say; "1000 men were sent to the front", say; "a thousand men were sent to the front"...
It makes for better reading... Also, I suggest you cut down on the all capitals in some parts, its okay for some parts but it doesn't look good...
Also make new paragraphs every time someone else is talking, or begins to talk, either with their minds or mouth... Also add a description of who it is talking and their reactions or whatever...
I advise you to post the next chapter as soon as possible, and chapter 3 too if you can... It really is impossible to actually critic with only one chapter...
I advise you edit the last chapter also and you may get more responses...
I will critic better when I see the next chapter and some other comments... Don't be put down by my comments, all new writers need improvement the first times...
Now to read the chapter carefully...
Dave
Ok now I've read it completely...
Events seem to be random and hectic in your fanfic...
Also you need to get a sense of perspective... In the sense that in what seemed like a couple of minutes Saphira left to hunt, according to Eragon, almost crashed, then really went hunting, to the spine, a mountain range hundreds of miles away, which would normally have taken at least a couple of days to get there flying, as quickly as she could, but only took her a couple of minutes, then returned in time for a crazy meeting with absolutely no discussion between the characters or any sense whatsoever, where Nasuada was killed, it isn't very clear what Elva was doing there, was she there to protect her or only randomly appeared out of nowhere... (Remember she doesn't serve Nasuada anymore...)
Where are Eragons body guards? Where is Arya? What day is it? (It sounded like it was the day after the battle of Feinster but Eragon didn't even appear to be tired...) Why were they meeting outside to discuss secret plans?
The chapter was pretty short. You need to check your spelling, especially on the names. Eragon losing his shoes, then walking on something that hurt him was a pretty strange thing to mention, and it had absolutely no purpose as far as I can see...
I suggest you write directly here, that eliminates the need to edit the chapters to put in the italics and add the paragraph breaks... Also I advice you to use Firefox, it has spelling check which might help you...
Most of all, before you post them, read your own chapter and criticize it yourself...
I can think of a lot more things to say, but I guess I have given you enough to think about and do...
Like I said don't be dissapointed by comments and ratings right now...
Oh and welcome to the forums...
Dave
This post has been edited by DaveO9: 20 November 2009 - 01:06 PM
Page 1 of 1